by Kevin Duffield

Created on: August 16, 2009

A Sensible Alternative to Guns

Recent political discourse and media coverage have, as of late, been largely focused on pounding everyone about the head with the idea of the government playing doctor with everyone in the country. As a result, many of the other important issues and talking points have been unceremoniously brushed aside like a bad case of dandruff.

I would, thus, like to take a moment to re-visit one of these recently abandoned topics and present what I feel would be a solution that would be suitable for all involved.

Gun Control.

While being a subject close to the hearts and minds of Red-neck Christian Nut-jobs and Racist Second Amendment Freaks everywhere, I firmly believe the government and our beloved leader can take a strong and commanding role in leading our country in the right direction in beating the Right-to-Bear-Arms into a bloody pulp once and for all. If done with care and understanding, we could well see the day when we are finally rid of gun-toting maniacs wandering the streets.

But how will the common man defend himself against the violent thugs, criminals, and conservative evil-doers once guns are no longer available to the public at large? The solution is simple: Federal Regulation. The powers that rightfully plot the course of our lives can help lead us in the proper direction, as it has always done since the days of Woodrow Wilson. It can all be summed up in a single word:

Puppies.

You have read correctly, dear reader. Puppies.

Allow me to elaborate. Upon being confronted with a gun-wielding maniac intent on depriving one of life, money, or NRA membership card, simply throw a puppy at the underprivileged individual. Distracted by the cuteness of said canine and disarmed by the sad eyes and wagging tail, the misguided malcontent will immediately give up all attempts to incite further harm and duress upon their intended victim. After all, what self-respecting human being could possibly resist the allure of a loveable, adorable puppy?

The Federal Government can play an important role in helping American Citizens to better defend themselves. I propose a two-part program that can easily be funded without raising the taxes of the average American by one cent.

The first phase of this program, called Greenbacks for Guns, will present each individual a credit voucher for each weapon required to

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