Today your chances of being a step parent at some point in your life is a high probability. Unless you can assure that your marriage will last for a life-time, that your spouse will never die or leave you, you could find yourself in a relationship with children other than your own.
As a person who found myself in a relationship involving step-children I can tell you first hand the pitfalls and the useful things that I discovered in my journey as a step-mother. The most important objective that parents face is the reality that if the situation isn't handled appropriately, the relationship could fall apart quickly and innocent children could face another situation where they must transition once again into a situation of uncertainty, another divorce.
When the relationship with your spouse is new it is tempting to believe that you could face all odds, without exception, and that your love for one another will always hold the relationship together. But once the honeymoon period is over and life settles in, you may discover that loving a child that is not your natural flesh and blood can be a challenge, especially if they are acting out or have behavior problems.
Communication and Planning Are Crucial
Decide early in the relationship how you will handle discipline problems and who will be primarily responsible for carrying out child care issues. Determine who will be responsible to get the child to day care or school, who attends parent teacher conferences, which church will be attended and how to handle the ex when it comes to custody disputes and visitation complications. These are issues most people don't think about going into the relationship but they are important to iron out before they begin to tear down your resolve and decay an otherwise loving relationship.
Once you have addressed these issues it is time to invest in your relationship with your step child. You might think of the relationship like you would a bank account, where you make deposits or withdraws in your relationship account.
Like a bank account, too many withdrawals will result in making up what should have been reserved for the account plus certain insufficient fund fees. Failing to do what you promised, for example, will result in a loss of trust and in order to resolve the issue it is important to explain to the child why you could not or did not come through with what you promised. Once the child understands why and sees that you are making an effort to keep their trust, they will comply with your requests and will in turn make an effort to please you.
This is going the extra mile but that is the result of overdrawing the account. If you don't have a positive relationship with the child you need to discover what is in the way of establishing one. This is one relationship that you can not afford to ignore. If this relationship is unhealthy it will impair your relationship with your spouse as well. Don't shy away from counseling if that is what is needed. Most people think that only weak minded people seek counseling but just the opposite is true, it is the people who use a tough resolve to solve problems who come out the winners in these situations.
Bonding Is key
As a mother of eight children, yours, mine and ours, ages 12 to newborn, I can tell you that it can be challenging to bond to the children or have the children bond to one another, but bond you must. The first rule of thumb is that you get more of what you focus on, so if that happens to be negative, then that is what you will get more of, so turn it around. Observe your tendency to be either negative or positive and try your best to keep things on the positive end of the spectrum.
The best way I have found to help children bond to one another is get them to teach each other a new skill. An older child can teach an younger one how to tie a shoe. A younger child will often show an interest in the older child as a result. Activities such as cookie making or crafts, and attending sporting events where the younger children can cheer for the older ones, will help the family start functioning as a team. You might have a choir chart or board at home where you can assign certain tasks to each child and which rotates choirs each week. Find out what motivates each child and offer them a reward for making the effort to cooperate and work as a team, even if it is only verbal praise for a job well done.
Whenever their is a transition, such as the children returning from visitation with the ex, expect a little turbulence. This is because they need a little time to transition from one family system into another. Divorce is difficult for children and ex-spouses sometimes have agendas of their own and may try to entrap the children and use them as pawns. Do not engage in using the children in this way and do not engage in retaliating against a child who is in a transition period. Discuss divorce issues or comment on the ex-spouses behavior when the children can not hear you. It may take a lot of self restraint but you must provide a positive role model for how you want the children to behave.
Regroup Regularly
Remember that even if things are not perfect and even if the children are not doing the things exactly as you envisioned they would, that the purpose of any task should be to strengthen the relationship. So what if the table wasn't set the way you wanted, or the dishes weren't loaded the way you like, the purpose for teaching and participating in any task with the children should be to strengthen the relationship.
Remember, what you put out you will get back. If you can not say anything positive, walk away and cool down. People who are in the height of a crisis cycle while they are all mad can not engage in constructive communication. Wait for the situation to cool down when you will be working out the situation with rational minds and not in the heat of the moment.
If you show appreciation for others, and for yourself, you will create a positive, safe and loving atmosphere in the home. It has been said that the first thing to goes out the window in a good relationship is appreciation. Whenever you recognize the positive intentions of other people, especially those you live with, you engender loving relationships, people feel good about themselves and others and you have a situation that is manageable.
Using Rotation of Attention Effectively
When you stop and think about it, giving your biological children attention is pretty easy. You interact with them without thinking about it and you do so because you are naturally bonded to them. However, whether you realize it or not, the time you are being attentive to your own kids, is taking away from the attention for the step-children. Take time to give good rotation of attention to all the kids. Get in the habit of asking them about there day, or about things that they find interesting.
This is a major deposit in your relationship account because when all the children feel important and noticed in the family they have less reason to act out. You'll notice benefits coming from your spouse as well and have more peace of mind in your home life. It is a simple thing to do, and it doesn't require intense effort, but it does require an active awareness to be successful on a daily basis.
Shaping Inappropriate Behavior
In shaping behavior you want to reward the child for positive behavior and/or in the absence of inappropriate behavior. Most of the time if you merely redirect inappropriate behavior you can nip "acting out" in the bud, before it gets to be a habit. As a Behavior Analyst, I can tell you that you don't want to reinforce behavior that is negative, and if the child get attention mainly when they are "acting out", then you are reinforcing it. Getting attention for being bad is still more rewarding then being unnoticed. If the behavior doesn't cause harm to themselves or others, try ignoring it. When the child stops acting out and is quiet for a few minutes, immediately reinforce that by commenting on how appropriate they are being. You can turn most behavior concerns around quickly in this way.
Don't say "NO". Instead say, "I would love to give you that, allow you to do that etc. as soon as... fill in the blank". In this way, you are giving them what they are asking for but you are getting it under the conditions you have set. Both of you get what you want and there is less need for conflict.
Putting it all together
You don't have to do it all overnight. Each day, do your best, don't take things personally, show and accept appreciation and understand that relationships take time. Remember that by the inch things are a cinch, but by the yard they tend to be hard.