by Rachel Carter

Created on: August 15, 2009

Some people feel that the children of missionaries can handle the blunt truth easier than most; I never got a chance to find out if that was true.

I am going back to the United States for three weeks, then I'll be back, were the words that my father told me. I was sitting on the wicker chair, swinging my legs impatiently against the side. I was eager to get back to playing outside. At nine years old, I was already used to my parents coming and going. I never understood why they made such a big deal out of leaving for a few weeks.

This would be the last time I saw my father for, in my child's mind, a very, very long time. For about six or seven months, I thought he had deserted me. I thought he lied, left, and never came back, when in reality, my mother had kicked him to the curb.

For Christmas, my mother, my younger sister and I went to Boston to visit my sister and her in-laws. A week before Christmas, I was sat down on the air mattress where I was sleeping and told that my parents were getting a divorce. First and foremost, I didn't understand what that meant. Second, my mother gave me no reasons. So again, I thought he lied, left and never came back.

Tell your children. There is no point in tiptoeing around the issue. There are no words that will make it easier for them to understand. There is no ritual that will keep them from pain. Pretending will do you no good. Yes, keeping information from young children is wise, but continuing to keep it from them while they grow up will only cause them to take unnecessary blame upon themselves.

Tell your children, together. If only one parent tells them, they feel like the other parent has already vanished from the picture. This only causes distress. Besides, if you tell your children by yourself, there is always that temptation to blame your spouse completely for the divorce. No matter how old the child, that is something that they will not be able to handle. When you blame your spouse, the child no longer knows if he or she is even allowed to like his or her other parent. This can bring feelings of guilt.

If your child is young, for their sake, explain what a divorce means before you take their initial reaction as a good sign. When I was told about my parent's divorce, I looked up, shrugged and asked if I could go back outside. Then when my mother began to explain, the shock set in. However, every child will react differently.

Let your children know that you love them. Children will often feel that you will, in a way, divorce them as well. To them, marriage is love, and love lasts forever. When that view is altered, they may or may not feel unloved. Reassure them.

There is nothing easy about divorce, but do not make it harder on yourself than you have to.

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