by Anne O'Rourke

Created on: August 14, 2009

A co-worker has a jar on her desk with a label that says "Ashes of Past Lovers." There's nothing inside but some harmless paper clips. Inside a marriage, a husband's romantic past can cause real harm if the couple can't discuss it constructively.

The question of whether a husband should tell his wife about his romantic past, sometimes doesn't have a simple yes or no answer. A husband should be willing to discuss past relationships but cautious not to inflict unnecessary pain by dwelling on gratuitous details.

The guiding principle is to put the other person's best interests first. It's wrong to conceal things that the other person would want to know in making an informed decision to continue the relationship. It's also wrong to reminisce about how beautiful your ex-girlfriends were if you know your wife is insecure about such issues.

Paradoxically, people with the strongest capacity to discuss past relationships may feel the least need to do so. If you have a healthy affection for people you used to be intimate with, you don't feel compelled to complain about them and don't regard them as topics to brag about because your self-esteem is based on more valid grounds. If a wife is happy with herself and her marriage, she's less likely to feel any great urgency about devoting time to reviewing a detailed past history. It's often a danger sign if people are too concerned about past relationships.

There are important benefits if a couple can discuss their romantic pasts constructively. If nothing else, it's very inconvenient to have to edit your conversation all the time to delete references to people from your past. More seriously, it can be emotionally crippling to feel pressured to keep secrets. Perhaps most importantly, it's a profound opportunity to build trust and feel loved and accepted by sharing such intimate experiences. Relationships often provide the most valuable lessons in life so it's natural to want to reflect on them and fortunate to have someone to talk things over with. On a practical level, open communication can be a great help in dealing with the ongoing legacy of past relationships especially when children are involved.

Overall, a husband should tell his wife about his romantic past but not take it to extremes. Any limitations should come from respect for the other person's feelings rather than self-serving secrets that usually wind up injuring everybody in the long run.

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