by Nathan Wada

Created on: August 14, 2009

LOCATION: Nate's Pet Store. Ogden, Utah. Pick a Wednesday, any Wednesday.

CHARACTERS

NATE: Eponymous store proprietor. Brigham Young University alumnus, B.A. in Marketing, Minor in Mandarin Chinese. 3.1 GPA. Bench press 205, body weight 224. Prone to wearing T-shirts one size too small. Irrationally exuberant as to his own merits.

DOG: Golden Retriever. IQ 145, yet somehow still not yet housebroken.

CAT: Pedigreed Persian. One snarky sonuvagun.

TURTLE: Fitness-obsessed jock.

PARROT: Polyglot, polymath, polyhistor, and erudite cosmopolitan nonpareil. By far the smartest, yet the most humble of the animals.

(Nate has just posted a sign in the window. The sign reads: "Help stop stray animals from wondering around, put ID tags on there collars." The dog glances at the sign)

DOG: And WE'RE the "dumb animals!" Word.

CAT: What's Nate done now? He confuse my kitty litter with dietary fiber again?

DOG: You know how he's always volunteering to customers that, "the perspicacious linguist is ever in perpetual and precise command of his words"? Well, check out the spelling on that sign he just put up.

CAT: Epic. How does this guy so routinely and diligently keep cranking these gems out. Think it has anything to do with oxygen transfer deficiency issues stemming from how ill-fitting his shirt is? Or, OR, it could be those odoriferous toxic emanations wafting from dog's cage that are just decimating his brain cells.

DOG: (to Cat) Yeah, keep talking you little rat. if I ever get out of this cage ...

TURTLE: And I swear, if he tells one more female customer that his bench press is "up there in the Big 2s," ... For starters, that's 20 pounds LESS than his bodyweight; how you gonna brag about THAT? And, for real, if I'm his weight I'm squatting 600 pounds for 5,000 reps a day.

DOG: And remember the time the customer asked him why he was eating my jerky treats and Nate told him that it was to "maintain a constant anabolic state of hypertrophy through adequate protein consumption"? The look on the customer's face when he realized Nate was being serious was priceless.

(An elderly woman enters the store with her chihuahua. Nate is playing online solitaire behind his desk. He gives an annoyed grunt as he makes his belabored way over to greet the customer)

WOMAN: Yes, good afternoon young man. Do you by any chance happen to carry Harper's Flea & Tick medicine?

NATE: Nah, we don't got that. Go try Pet Supply at the mall.

WOMAN: But it looks as if you have

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