by Andrew Freyne

Created on: August 14, 2009

Out of work, no money, difficulties with relationships! These things I face on a day to day basis! Why? So many thoughts flow through my mind, so many questions, I scratch my head in frustration! I live alone, I am totally isolated, and fear is my jailer! A favourite pastime of mine is a long walk in the park! Fresh air, blue skies, the heat of the sun on my face, ducks swimming leisurely on the pond's surface! These things help me to relax! I can get on with some serious thinking time in this environment! Thinking time! What do I think about? What constantly plagues my mind day in day out? My childhood years!

Oh my childhood years! How did I survive! Pictures, pictures and yet more pictures, how I wish I could rid my mind of those images from days gone by! It's a Sunday afternoon and here I sit, in my local park, staring at everything and nothing! I close my eyes and I begin to ponder, the same routine over and over, I begin to contemplate! What went wrong? My parents loved me! I know they did, didn't they? Why did they have to die when I was so young? Why didn't they notice that something was happening to me? Could they not see my face? I remember how my mother and father argued, they would constantly bicker at each other and I would be stuck in the middle, lost, confused, not knowing where to turn! Then, my mother would drag me out of the house by the arm and off we would go to her friend! My thoughts deepen! My mother's friend! The eldest son of my mother's friend! I blink the tear away as I reflect on this new thought! I was constantly left alone with him whilst my mother and her friend left to go out together. That's when the abuse started!

There's a slight breeze on my face, I feel chilled! My eyes remain closed and I continue to reflect! I feel strange; I'm suddenly placed back into that time, that date! I'm floating above and looking down upon myself! There the little child sits, shaking, frightened, eyes staring wide! Opposite him sits the culprit, the perpetrator, the monster! I gaze down upon myself and see how I am picked up and punched constantly about the body! I am thrown back onto the sofa. Next comes those dirty things! Those dirty things he made me do! It's too painful to explain explicitly! I will allow you to use your own imagination! How I suffered several years of this torment, I reflect, I reflect, I reflect, oh how I wish the pain would go away!

I open my eyes and notice a couple passing by; they are whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears! Oh how I crave that! Oh how I miss that! A relationship! Love! Companionship! The abuse has affected me in a very bad way. I am alive but it seems I am living a half life! The park is nice! The sky is beautiful! I take a deep breath and sudden realisation dawns upon me; it's time to move on!

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