The very first thing you need to recognize, when researching this issue is very important. "Why do I feel the need to read, write, or simply share thoughts on this topic." Are you the virtual cheater? Do you suspect your spouse is virtually cheating? Are you afraid of being caught, and trying to learn how to get around that problem without giving up your virtual partner? Have you caught your spouse, whether intentionally or accidentally.
Now that we have that out of the way, it's time to call yourself an offender, a victim, or just plain paranoid person. In short, you are one of these three individuals. People don't just think about this "out of the blue". So here is where it gets a little personal. How do you feel about your actions in which ever role you personally play in "the world of virtually cheating" on your loved (not loved) in your life.
If you are still reading this article, you are either in pain (victim), in pain (offender), or in pain (paranoid person). If you are not in an sort of emotional pain where ever your place is, in categorizing yourself, you are either selfish, or don't have a true value in your relationship.
It is now story time. I myself am a victim. I also could be classified as an offender, not to mention "after being a victim", a paranoid person. Well, now wait a minute...... Am I a paranoid person because of the offender part? That could be a possibility as well.
I am in a very unique situation in my life. I have been married to my spouse for just over 8 years now, having been with her for almost 10. I met my wife while working at a job that I held for about 8 months. When I met her I had an instant attraction for her. As we "brushed shoulders here and there", we got to know each other, and learned to have a lot of fun together (after work). What I failed to mention, was that when I first met her, I lied to her about my age. I told her I was older than I really was at that time, being 20 years old. Oh yeah... She was still married then at the age of 26. I was a young man in love? Or was it lust? She was having troubles at home with her husband, and planned to leave any how, so how could I feel responsible for the divorce? I really didn't, and still to this day don't.
However, knowing that my wife was capable of cheating, always sticks in the back of my mind. It is at first a total thrill to be with a new love. Physical and mental romance "blazing away." But then what happens 3 years into a marriage? After kids start showing up, and that fire settles down a bit. Her knowing that I'm capable of lies, and my knowing her past, remembering how I was part of it.
Here's the virtual part that I played as an offender. I found ways to get "virtual sexual attention" over the phone. My wife was pregnant, and I was young, scared, and felt trapped. Phone sex put me into a different world. I didn't view it as cheating. It was all fake, and no big deal. I also was young, and loved to be at the bar with the guys. We would party, and stay out late, past legal bar hours, because we happened to know the bar owners. We closed the doors and kept drinking. I felt like I deserved to be a young man, and party a bit, because my wife took away my six partying years that she had experienced before me. Needless to say, she new I was doing the phone thing after the phone bill showed up. Now that she knew I was ok with talking very sexually to another live person, even though she knew I would never meet with any of these ladies, what was I doing out so late? She was home pregnant, or with the kids, while I was busy getting drunk, and really not showing her how I loved her. Was I with another lady? The very honest truth to that question, in absolutely not. I did love my wife, but was too immature to know how to be "the man" I should have been. After all, I knew that she was older, with more experience than myself when I met her. I also knew what I was doing when the kids came along. Whether by mistake or not, we both knew "how babies were made." I lied to my wife to cover up for my drinking. There was never anything more than an affair with alcohol.
This really hurt my wife at the time, and I was too ignorant to make sense of that. I kicked the phone sex habit fast. As time moved along, we slowly but surely turned into a family. We have had our share of major financial problems, which we all know lead to stress in a marriage. It was that we simply lived in each moment, and spent foolishly above our income level. Sex turned into a routine. Always the same, nothing new. Just do it, and get it over with.
My wife felt alone having no close friends to do things with. She would be mom at home during the day, while I worked, and she would go to work at night, on the "grave yard shift". I could sense she needed something to get involved in. So, in comes the computer. I was already set with my email account, and had a facebook profile, chatting with old friends. I thought it would be a great idea, if she could catch up with some of her friends, so I set up a facebook page for her. She got involved as I showed her about the laptop, playing games and such, and catching up with friends from the past. Things started to seem ok, except for the money end of things.
That's when it really clicked in my head. How stupid not to see this earlier? We recently moved to a home, not far from our old house, in the same school district for the kids. We cut our bills in half and money is starting to come around. I became bound and determined, now at the age of 30, to truly take the reins and make life work for this family. Still something was stale in our marriage. We laid on the couch and watched TV while one of us would be on the laptop. She would go to work at night, and on weekends we fell asleep on the couch, not in bed together. It was all just routine. I really truly love this woman, but still lacked the respect to show her how much she meant to me.
I work as an associate for a large company, needing to receive my assignments for my following days work via email. So one night I click the icon open, to where I thought I was going to sign into my email account. Well, as I opened the icon from the desktop screen, my wife was still signed in and her email showed up right in front of my eyes. Her inbox screen showed basic Facebook stuff that update to her email. But one stuck out to me like a sore thumb. "Some guy" with the "re:thinking of you" made me open it up. Low and behold this was my beginning of a very long search through her Facebook inbox as well as her emails. I found all the things that she thought were already deleted. She had been talking to this guy for at least a few weeks now. I read things like, "I check my email over and over waiting to hear from you", "Hey Baby!", "I can't wait to see you and hug you and kiss you all over", "I think my hubby is stalking me", and more... You get he picture....
I can tell you "first hand" that I may as well have walked in on my wife with another man. I was reading things that reminded me of when her and I started seeing each other 10 years earlier. The pain I carry just writing this is haunting, and very real. I was crushed. My life was over, I started thinking about divorce. What would we do with our kids? Who will be the one to leave? A husband should NEVER have read these things being written by his wife, nor the other way around. Can something like this be healed? This I don't know...
I am working very hard to be a stand up man, father, and husband. I believe part of her fantasy affair was brought on by me. We argued, about it, and talked about it. Had a great "make up" night about it. Nothing was routine, there was what felt like passion again. I feel like I need to show her that I need her. Yet I am still very hurt by the words that she wrote to another man. I can't put it all together quite yet. She is a great mother, and wonderful person. But can I trust her? Was that "computer talk" the same as my "phone talk"?
As I am trying to be "the man" I'm not sure where to "pull rank." Do I take the computer away from her? Do I trust that this was something actually showing us how we need to get it back together? I don't want to give up on my wife (life) just yet. However, I am very uncertain in what is in store for my future. I am in a phase of recovery. Not knowing certain things just eats me up inside.
I feel I have been on both sides of the fence now, and can tell you that virtual affairs are VERY devastating to deal with. I have felt like throwing up, going to the bar to fight, cry, leave, make up, love more, prove I am the man she needs.......... This is phase 2 for me now, as I am talking with my wife. We are talking about "date nights". I personally need her to be home at night, in bed with me... (but we need her job right now). I can be pretty certain that if she stays on the night shift, that our marriage will not last another year.
If you have read this far, you know that I am not a professional writer. I am happy to have let some of this out of my inner battle on what to do. This is my first time writing here, and I will keep a log on progress with myself, my marriage, and how a virtual affair in a true reality story affects one's life.
Again, I am not a writer. But I just "played one" on Helium. If you have or are dealing with any virtual issues with flings, I can only say, "GOOD LUCK". If it was something that you did, or are doing, STOP! Go to your "real" lover and talk to them. If you have caught your lover in a virtual affair, now you know that you are not alone.