by Bobbie Sandlin

Created on: August 14, 2009

We've all lived with or have encountered the "nagger." Nagging is defined as: to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands. Whether a wife nagging a husband or a parent nagging a child, it's a very common communication issue.

Nagging stems from many things. Control and anxiety are the major contributing factors. It can seem innocent, and people will just say that nagging is part of a person's nature.

Control: you want it done right, want it done right then, or you are sure the person you are nagging is going to do it wrong. You are sure or are holding past experience against them and so you nag. For instance, your husband needs to pay a bill and he has a history of not paying or being late in the past. Well before the bill is due, you start reminding him, constantly, even thought he hasn't got his paycheck yet. Maybe even to the point that he's contemplating robbing a bank and paying the bill just to appease you. This behavior is justified in your mind with thinking that if he hadn't screwed up in the past, you wouldn't have to nag him.

Anxiety: usually stems from nervous tension, irrational fears or in severe cases, panic disorder. There is an element of control. An example would be your Mother In Law is coming for dinner, and you think in your mind that the house is not perfect. She tends to be a white glove wearing, frowns at dust type. Instead of being "what she's sees is what she gets" in attitude, you become agitated, ordering your husband and kids around in cleaning until the house gets perfect, never mind the fact that it was reasonably clean to begin with. It's a projection of your anxiety onto those around you. It's not necessarily a fault, so much as it being a feeling that it's stemming from. The trick is in recognizing it.

Why is it ineffective? Nagging tends to drive people away from you and can breed resentment in the people you nag. People are able to recognize the triggers and cringe or avoid you in knowing expectation. They may be unwilling to open up and talk, or tell you when a bill or assignment is due.

We all have moments of nagging. It's part of our human nature and is connected with ego and control. We all want our lives to flow smoothly. It's when it becomes chronic that it becomes an issue.

For nagging based on control and wanting life to run smooth and seamless, it basically comes down to letting go to a degree. The only person we can change is ourselves. In the example of the husband

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