by Chris Torgersen

Created on: August 13, 2009   Last Updated: August 14, 2009

I once asked a friend what he thought the most important ability or skill one had to have in order to maintain a relationship. He thought it over for a minute, and responded that it was a willingness to make sacrifices.

I accepted this answer as a good one at the time, but subsequent experience has taught me that while a willingness to sacrifice does rank among important relationship skills, there are at least a couple that are more important.

One is the ability to compromise and make deals, and to be happy with those compromises and deals. A huge part of maintaining a relationship is learning how to deal with conflicting needs and desires constructively in a way that allows both parties to feel that they got what was most important to them. This is related to the ability to make sacrifices, but it is important to note that a compromise involves mitigation of a sacrifice.

A second ability, which towers over all else as far as I can tell, is the ability to accept the other person as they are. By a long shot, this is truly the single most important part of having a healthy relationship. One must learn to deal with the other person's flaws, quirks, annoying habits - even to embrace these things.

Now, of course, there are some habits you truly do not want to accept - excessive drug use or abusive behavior, for instance. However, this does not change the importance of acceptance. If one is in a relationship with a drug abuser who does not want to change, one is nearly always better off leaving the relationship if they cannot accept the behavior than they are trying to change the person. Likewise, with an unrepentant abuser, it is better to end the relationship than to expect or try to bring about a change.

The key is to find another person whose traits you can accept, and to widen those ranks by learning to accept any relatively benign traits or habits, even slightly annoying ones. Beyond that, one should try to embrace the other's quirks and love the person not in spite of them, but for them. Love someone because of his or her odd laugh, incessant snoring, nasal voice, absent-mindedness, or whatever other initially off-putting traits one might have.

One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is trying to force change or pressuring the other person into changing. In most cases, this serves only to create a wall and push the two apart. The other person might continue undesired behaviors in secret or feel guilty and down on him- or herself when

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