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There are a number of reasons we choose to agree verbally, even though we really want to say "no." Probably the most notable reason is we don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. It could be said that that's a noble reason, but, depending on the nature of what one has just said "yes" to, it could actually be a detriment to the relationship. Another classic mistake of a reason to say "yes" when we don't mean it is fear of confrontation. We may not actually like the person to whom we've just said yes, but we agree to make things "easier." We don't want an argument. We don't want a fuss. A third major cause is groupthink. We say yes to go along with the crowd, even if we're agreeing to something we don't want to do. In the end, all these reasons boil down to the same thing. We don't want to upset the other person. I think, with maturity, we get beyond this.

An example of not wanting to hurt someone's feeling might be a scenario like this one: Wife asks husband to accompany her to the flower show at the town's convention center. There will be huge crowds all gawking at the same (uninteresting to the husband) flowers, shrubs and other plants. He'd rather stay at home and watch the game. (Frankly, he'd rather chew tin foil). But, in order to spare her feelings, husband agrees to the flower show. Sure, it's a nice gesture. But, in the end, it will just build up animosity. He's going to be resentful for the whole garden exhibit, anyway. I think a strong couple are able to find separate interests and keep them separate. Yes, he's trying to be loving when he agrees to go with her. But if she knows him at all, she wouldn't even have asked him to go. She really should know that it's of no interest to him and not put him on the spot. Don't get me wrong, he should have said "no." Honest communication sometimes means hurting someone's feelings.

Now, let's say you are with a co-worker. This person is not really a friend. In fact, you actually find him pretty annoying. He's just asked you if you want to grab a drink after work. You reluctantly agree out of fear of confrontation. During the length of the whole drink, you get to hear his whole life's story without him, even once, asking you about you. You quietly suck it up and are just thankful to get out of there after two hours. Uh, that's two hours of your life you'll never get back. So, you've avoided confrontation but made yourself miserable. Was it worth it?

For me, the worst of all reasons we often say yes when we don't mean it is going along with the crowd. "Hey, let's all go to Charlie's house and watch him fix his car." "Yeah. Great idea." And so on. Four or five people all agree that this will just be a grand old time. You know in your heart of hearts that it won't, but you agree. God forbid you ever make waves. Now, I'll admit we tend to outgrow the groupthink thing. This kind of issue occurs more when we're teens, but it does still happen.

There are a bunch of reasons we say yes when we want to say "no". In the end, though, they're all about not disappointing the other person. As we get older, we finally start to realize that life is just way too short to spend time being miserable. As we mature, we realize that being a little bit selfish really isn't necessarily a bad thing. Pleasing others to keep relationships together may be noble, but what kind of friend would want you to be miserable? Think of that the next time you're afraid of looking selfish by saying "no."

Learn more about this author, Paul Schingle.
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