by Nathan Wada

Created on: August 12, 2009

LOCATION: Wasatch Mountain Range

CHARACTERS

NATE: A Utah Valley University sophomore.

CEREBELLUM: Personified as a lumbering, fairly primeval fellow. Husky and hirsute, Cerebellum dons a construction hat.

AMYGDALA: Represented as a neurotic, yet sensitive fussbudget. Think Woody Allen as Bill Gate's HR director.

ORBITOFRONTAL CORTEX: Depicted as Siddharta Gautama. Think any statue of Buddha.

ACTION: The principal action takes places within Nate's brain.

(Nate is hiking alone in the mountains. He encounters a cougar. The regions of the brain convene and get to work).

CEREBELLUM: Grrrrr, another 20-minute lunch break .... freakin' union; I swear.

OK, OK, ladies, time to work; you all know the drill. Pupils dilate. Vocal chords gasp - hell, scream if you feel the urge. Heart, pick up the pace. Lungs, make sure you let this guy know how serious this is. Motor skills, run your diagnostic. We'll know any second from HQ whether this is a fight or flight ... and where the hell is that slacker Amygdala?

AMYGDALA: I'm here; I'm here. I mean, c'mon! I mean, what is this? I get 30 minutes a week to hang out with Dopamine and Serotonin - the ONLY tolerable company around this cesspool of a company - and all of a sudden this antediluvian australopithecus is squandering oxygen in my direction again. Oh, Front Office WILL hear of this.

CEREBELLUM: Are you daft, Poindexter?! Do you not see this cougar? Are you so stoned from hanging out with those miscreant neurotransmitters that you can't even figure out what's happening here? ... and Heart, I thought I told you to PICK UP THE PACE!

AMYGDALA: Don't you yell at Heart, you retrograde Flinstone. And OF COURSE, I appreciate what's happening here. But unlike some people, some of us have important functions to do, and mine is making sure that everyone's settled and happy in the event that your neanderthal "fight or flight," doesn't pan out.

ORBITOFRONTAL CORTEX: ...uh guys?

CEREBELLUM: Do NOT test me, you little titmouse. I will smack you back to the paleolithic. You think I can't order Nate's arm to pick up that rock there and put you out of business. 'Sides, everyone here knows you're redundant. Hippocampus could step in and do a much better job than you ever did.

AMYGDALA: Hah! First of all, you're so dumb you'd probably clean out Hypothalamus while gunning for me. And there is NO WAY that second-rate hack Hippocampus could ...

ORBITOFRONTAL CORTEX: ....Gentlemen! May I sneak a word in edgewise, please?!

CEREBELLUM: OK, you wanna dance, fairy? You asked for this.

AMYGDALA: "Duh, which way did he go George?" Think I'm scared of you? I evolved 7 googolplex gazillion years after you did, jackass. I eat Jurassic brain regions like you for breakfast.

CEREBELLUM: Why you little! OK, clear the way. One epic whuppin' coming up. Orbitofrontal Cortex, I'll listen to you as soon as I dispatch this little ... Orbitofrontal Cortex? ... Hey, where'd he go?

AMYGDALA: Uh, Cerebellum? Why is a cougar chewing on Nate's femur?

END SCENE

Learn more about this author, Nathan Wada.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.