What goes around comes around, believe me. It might take fifty years, but some day you're going to pay for putting that frog down your sister's dress. Remember that? Karma does. And apparently it remembers the wicked maneuver I once pulled. I sure do regret that, whatever it was.
Mistake number one, I fell asleep on the couch. After a long day, I was finally comfortable (and comatose). So despite my husband's best efforts, the couch was where I was going to stay. Mistake number two, the couch was where I was going to stay.
It seemed like an OK idea at the time. It was dark, lonely, and quiet. Perfect. The dogs were sprawled out across the living room floor, and the couch was all mine.
I remember glancing at Keesha before I closed my eyes. She was by the door, curled up in a tight, gray and white ball. She looked so precious and innocent; I couldn't help smiling at her like I do my daughter. She's beautiful - so similar to a wolf pup, yet her eyes are the epitome of 'puppy dog.' And that's how she gets you. She looks angelic, all fuzzy and cute, but I swear she's evil. And this hound from hell has her own agenda. She wakes me up every night - sometimes twice - with a paw to the head or a muzzle to the eye. Sometimes she has to go out, other times I think she does it just for fun.
Anyway, I must have been dreaming about chocolate last night. Or money. Maybe Kisses wrapped in twenties. Whatever it was, no smack in the head was taking me away from it. I was oblivious to Keesha's torture-techniques. So she came up with a new approach: biting.
With my eyes still closed, I stumbled toward the door, assuming she had to go potty. A few steps later, I realized she already did.
So there I am - partly awake but mostly asleep - with one bare foot on the hardwood and the other in a Keesha-concoction.
I hopped to the bathroom, jolting myself a little closer to consciousness with each bounce. This was no good - I wasn't ready to wake up yet. (Evident by my lack of coordination when I tried to balance myself.) With one foot in the tub, I turned on the hot water expecting to get hot water. What I got, though, was icy and cruel. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep, but two shocks to the system in a matter of seconds weren't exactly a lullaby.
On my way back to the couch, Keesha decided to play 'chase the shuffling feet' (a.k.a. 'let's trip the human'). I tried to deter her by turning off the light, but it didn't work. In fact, that was my next mistake. I stepped on a bone. And I don't mean a soft, rubber one, either. No, I ended up cutting my foot and nearly breaking my neck, all in one stumble. (Note to self: Invest in steel-toed slippers.) I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I wanted to kick something, but I was already in pain. I wanted to go back to sleep, but it wasn't looking good. I knew the couch wasn't far, though, so I forced myself to keep going. I limped along in the dark about five more paces when - with my good leg - I discovered a small, wooden table that didn't used to be there. My knee came upon that thing like a dowsing rod. I saw stars!
My ankle was already starting to swell and my knee was catching up fast. I considered retreating for some Advil, but then I'd have to navigate the landmines again. It just wasn't worth it.
So, hunched over and twisted in pain, I prepared to finish my 10K to the couch. I held my breath and dropped my head. I had one hand on my knee and the other stretched out in front of me. I looked like a Heisman, only not quite as pretty.
By now, two of the other three mutts were starting to stir. The curtains were cracked just enough that I could see my snotty Pug lift her head. When she didn't smell any food, she dropped her wrinkled face and went back to sleep. She was snoring before I took my next step! Now I know why they're called bitches.
I really needed to find my way back to that couch. So when I stubbed my toe on its leg, I smiled.
Bending forward just a little more, I flopped - face first - onto my warm, comfy.... Dacshund! The grave robber! I bet this whole thing was a conspiracy.
I wanted to strangle him, but I was too weak. So I gave him a gentle nudge. He didn't move. I nudged him again and I swear he laughed at me, looking up from the cushion still warm from my body heat. I reached down to grab-and-toss him, making yet another mistake. Instead of a handful of wiener-dog, I ended up catching my nail on a snag in the blanket. More stars!
I lost. I fell down beside the canine victor and curled up in a tight ball much like the one Keesha was in just a few moments ago. I sunk deep into the cushion and finally knew what Grandma meant when she'd tell us she felt like she was run over by a truck.
'I sure do miss Grandma,' I thought, scooting myself to the back of the couch. 'I wonder if she's taking driving lessons in Heaven. I bet she has a Caddy with shiny rims.' My smile widened, then died. 'Uh-oh, I forgot to put air in my tires. Now what? There's no time in the morning. Time...' My tired eyes sprung open in horror. 'Oh no! I forgot to take my medicine!'
I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled the pillow over my head, hoping the pressure would shut off my brain. It didn't. I was wide awake and all I could do was lay there in bed and suck it up. Except - I forgot - I wasn't in bed. My final mistake? Rolling over.
Be nice. Karma sucks.