by Connie Rae

Created on: August 05, 2009   Last Updated: August 07, 2009

Soul mates exist - in romance novels. Rarely in real life. A basic fact of life is that each of us desires to be loved. We are led to think by the societal forces that suround us, that somewhere "out there" the perfect person for me is just waiting to be found. Another basic desire is, to love. In our quest to be loved, and to love, and in our idealism, we often believe we can find that person, and then our life will be ... perfect?

The truth is, every human being is so fundamentally different from every other, and so very much the same, that sorting out all of those things that we think make "soul mates," becomes an emotional journey. We are usually first drawn to someone because we like the way they look. They may be beautiful, handsome, cute, a little funny looking, but somehow, their looks appeal to us, and we want to know them a little better.

Then, we are attracted to their personality - that image they portray to us to make us like them, and want to be around them. They may be quiet and attentive to our every word. Or they may be boisterous and funny, making us laugh. They may be leaders, or followers, or protesters. But whatever they "put out," appeals to us in some way.

We are pleased with how we feel when we are with them. Perhaps we are proud to be by their side as others notice them and recognize their contributions. Maybe we like the attention they give us, and the promises they make. We feel good in their presence, loved.

We discover we enjoy many of the same activities. We like the same music. We enjoy being outdoors, doing "outdoorsy" things. Or maybe we just like to veg in front of the TV watching movies. We like to ski. We like to ...

And that is often where the "soul mate' thing rests. Maybe by this time, sex has become a part of the relationship - and often becomes the reason for the relationship. Maybe it is good sex - for at least one of them. Maybe the other hopes it will get better, or is ready to write off the relationship, because, after all, if we can't have good sex together, what is the point of the relationship.

When we look beyond the physical attractions and the sexual passion, what is there that brings two people to a place where they truly can find some strong ground to stand upon, and build a relationship that has life long potential?

I propose that a shared set of beliefs, a set of character qualities that give promise to trust and dependability, similar wants and goals for life, a decision to work together to make a good life, a commitment to be the best person I can be, so you can become the best person you can be, is very different than looking for someone who "makes me feel good," for awhile. Because it will always be "for awhile."

Without the stability of commitment, and the promise to work together to make a good life happen, willingness to see through the tough times, there is no "soul mate' fantasy. Soul mates can be made, but are rarely just "found." Emotions, plus smarts, equal potential success.

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