by Bobbie Hughley

Created on: August 05, 2009   Last Updated: August 06, 2009

I am 39 and just realizing that the sexual and emotional abuse I suffered for years has affected me not only as an adult but my entire life. From as far back as I can remember until I was 14 I suffered sexual abuse from two uncles, a grandfather, and a male friend of the family. I have chosen not to go into great detail regarding the sexual abuse as it was brutal in description, however, the emotional abuse came from my mother in which, I felt she abandoned me. She left me to be abused by the men in my life that were supposed to love me. To me, my mother was able to look into my 5 year old, tear filled eyes and walk away. How could she hear my cries, hear the fear and desperation in my voice, and see my tears and just walk away? In here defense, I feel she was also in fear for her life as she suffered domestic abuse at the hands of one particular perpetrator. For many years I would live my life the only way I knew, the only way that a man would ever love me and that was in a self destructing manor. Until I married at the age of 34, however, I began to resent my husband. Some of his actions angered me because I would have flashbacks of certain instances of the abuse. His affection would paralyze me and make me sick to my stomach. The simple act of love between husband and wife would turn into a severe anxiety attack and in the long run has threatened my marriage. I began to dislike my husband for being there for me, for loving me for who I am, for simply being good to me and wanting nothing in return. We have separated 3 times in a short five year marriage. So for years I lived by the rules of sexual abuse, but as an older adult I live by the pain the abuse has bound me with. I am helpless as a child at the hands of a sick person.

The blessing comes in the realization that I am not just affected now but have been my entire life, because with this knowledge I can be adamant in getting help for myself. I can peel back the layers (years) of pain to a new life so to speak. I can re-enter my marriage with re-opened eyes and begin to heal the damages that was ensued upon me by the hands of another through no fault of my own. I can now believe that I am worthy of genuine, unselfish and unmotivated love. I can release the adult in me from the grasps of the hurt child.

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