by Connie Rae

Created on: August 05, 2009

I read a book a number of years ago entitled "Forgive and Forget." I understand what the author was trying to say - it was actually a very good book, but I have come to believe that forgiving, and remembering is by far the strongest tool in our marriage 'fix-it' kit.

There are many things that spouses forgive each other for on a daily basis. He left his socks on the floor. Again. She ate the last piece of lemon meringue pie! He forgot to bring home the milk. She always makes me the bad guy with the kids, etc.

Two people living closely together, sharing the same bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, infringing on each other's "territory," - it's inevitable that frictions will come, and differences rise to the surface. She will be angry that he "doesn't do his share." He will be angry because he works hard all day, and what does she expect from him, anyway!"

Some things we argue about. Some things we pout about. Some things we ignore. But if we don't forgive the normal human failings that occur in the course of every day life with an alien (yes, men and women sometimes see each other as aliens, or another species, altogether), we will become more and more resentful and bitter. Those emotions tend to eat away at all of the good feelings we may have toward each other, and eventually we are left with just anger and irritation.

But sometimes, there are the really big things that happen. A spouse is drawn away by the attention of someone else. Someone who is not so critical. Not so judgmental. More attentive. More gentle and kind. Not so demanding. Someone who actually listens! Maybe it is an innocent desire for attention. Maybe it is "just friendship." But too often, allowing oneself to be drawn into the emotional web of someone other than their spouse, ends up with a full blown affair.

So what then is forgiveness all about? Can one really forgive, and learn to trust again when the ultimate betrayal of a promise to love and be faithful is broken? And how can one practice daily forgiveness of things both very large, and very small.

To begin the process of forgiveness, one must first acknowledge the act that requires forgiving. If it is a small, daily grievance, maybe it is just my selfish desire to not have my comfort disturbed, or my anger that you have created more work for me to do by your lack of thoughtfulness. Speak to your spouse about it. Ask for their cooperation, kindly. Explain how you feel, and you don't like to feel that way about

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