by Connie Rae

Created on: August 04, 2009   Last Updated: August 05, 2009

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many couples who are in crisis in their marriage. Sometimes it is because there is a real underlying mentl health condition that interfers with establishing healthy relationships. Sometimes it is because two people, who are very different, become stuck on what they are not getting out of this marriage.

We all enter into marriage with some expectations, whether we realize it or not. It is only as those expectations, hopes, dreams, are not realized, that we become increasingly unhappy with our spouse, thinking if they would just "only ...," things would be so much better.

I prefer to see the couple together, first, to get to know them and see how they interact with each other, and with me. I listen while they tell why they have decided to seek counseling, ask them questions about their family, encourage them to talk about their interests and goals, both individually, and as a couple.

Then, I share with them my basic operating belief about marriage, and how it relates to where I would hope to go with them through the process of counseling. It is a two-fold belief. The first part states, I believe that no two people on the face of the earth are truly compatible. That often surprises them. Or, it registers as learned truth! When we choose the person we marry, it is usually because we think we have an important degree of compatibility with them. And of course, there is physical attraction and passion, often mistaken for compatibility.

The second part of that operating belief is this: I believe that any two people on the face of the earth can make a good life together, if each of them chooses to make the choices that will make that happen.

Most of us usually marry with an idealistic approach. We love each other (meaning we have a strong physical attraction, and some general knowledge about each other). We don't consider that keeping a relationship alive and well may require some attention and some planning, because the courtship phase has fed our want for attentive love and passion. But somewhere along the line, the reality of every day living kicks in, and we realize that someone has to clean the toilet. Someone has to do the shopping, make the meals, clean up after. Someone has to decide which bills get paid and which ones can wait, and how "extra" money gets spent.

And then the children come along. More responsibilities. Less sleep. He/she isn't doing what they are "supposed" to be

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