I knew that someday I would get the call - the one that would signify the end. Often I had gone over what I would say or do when that call finally came in. For weeks before I had the feeling that I should pay attention to each day, live them fully, experience as much as I possibly could, forgive and be forgiven.
"Tracy, this is Bob's sister calling. I have made a number of attempts to try and find you. It has been a long time, but I would not be able to forgive myself if I did not call and let you know that Bob is dying. Her words fell like rocks in my ears. I didn't respond immediately but listened to what she would say next. Tracy, Bob is calling for you. He does not have much time. He told me that you are still the love of his life and he wants you to come to the hospital. I stopped and took a long and deep breath, filtering this information, pretending I was not hearing it. As time stood still, my memory flashed back to what was now almost a 40 year history. I quickly searched around for the right thing to say, but what is the right thing to say when someone is dying. Thank you for calling me, but it has been a very long time. Are you certain that it is me he is calling for, and not that you or your family believe that it is important to call me? No, Tracy, his sister repeated he has definitely asked for you and I just don't know how much time he has left. We would appreciate it if you could do this for him, since you may be the one who gives him a reason to fight back, to keep on living. Knowing that I could not refuse this request, I said that I would go as soon as I could.
Over the next few days, I recalled often what Bob had always said to me during the time that we were so passionately in love. Tracy, he said, I have always, and will always love you. I have loved you since the first time I saw you when you were only 16 years old. The last face I want to see before I die is yours. Since this was said to me so many times, I became somewhat anxious what if I really would be the last face he sees? I called his sister back and said Jane, I know that I have promised that I will go to the hospital to see Bob, but I must let you know what he has always said to me in the past. I do not want to be the last face he sees what if I am? Will you and your family blame me? Of course not, she said we will be happy that he has received his dying wish. All of a sudden, I felt so very old, so very tired and so very sad, but I would visit the next day, I must, I said to myself.
It is odd how one day can serve to recall several years of history. And, in the case of Bob, it certainly was that. We had met at school and he immediately fell for me. Even though I had other boyfriends, there was always Bob. I used to feel sorry for him and especially that I was his girlfriend. I knew that there was nothing I could do that would turn him away from me. But then, I went on to what I thought at the time was greener pastures and married another man. Bob was devastated, but eventually, he married too. When I was separated finally, a phone call came into my office one day and it was Bob. I had not seen or heard from him since my marriage, which, by then, was over two decades. Bob had his own story to tell and was also divorced at the time he called me. We made arrangements to meet and did so as old friends. This went on for quite some time until we finally acknowledged that we loved and needed each other. By then, I had matured and really appreciated Bob and the love he offered me. However, with all the baggage we both carried from our individual pasts, our relationship soured several times and we simply just could not seem to connect in any long term or meaningful way. We separated many times over the years, but each time, we would once again find each other and resolve to do it better this time. Ultimately, it was me who walked away knowing that I could no longer continue in a relationship with him.
It took me yet another day to prepare. Just exactly what does one do or say at a time like this? How will he greet me after such a long time? Will I recognize him after so many months of illness? Will I be able to suppress my feelings when I see him? The record playing in my mind did not allow me any peace. I could not sleep. I did not eat. I became very agitated, almost put out that he would presume that he could simply just die and place that final burden on me. How dare he die and then call me to witness it! I was angry, but at the same time I realized that anger was a much safer emotion than the one I was suppressing. As long as I stay angry, I will not have to feel. I will not have to acknowledge. I will not have to care. I will do my good deed and visit Bob and I will be armed with my self-righteous anger. Good, I can go now. I will be fine, just fine.
A day later I was asking directions to the palliative care floor at the hospital. I was hoping that I would get lost but I quickly found the door that led to Bob's room. Before opening it, I stopped and attempted to compose myself. I opened the door and went into the room. Bob has been waiting for me. My first assessment was that he did not look good. He had lost a lot of weight and was now a shadow of his former self. He greeted me with Tracy, my love, you have come, thank God! And then, he cried. I realized in the space of one second, that there may be few seconds left to look at the man who really was the love of my life. So, what do I do now? Being true to myself I talk about all the things that have been happening lately. I sold my house and moved to a beautiful place. I am so happy there. Furthermore, I will be retiring soon, and won't that be nice. And yes, my children are fine and my grandchildren too. I must just keep on talking, distracting myself and Bob from the reality of what is really happening here death. But, I won't acknowledge this, I can't acknowledge it. Death is final.
Bob held my hand and told me how much he has loved me over the years. I must tell him the same thing, and of course, I do. I tell him this now since I know just how true it is. I know that I walked away from him to prevent hurt. Bob walked away from me to prevent hurt. Once again, I am reminded of the tragedy that is our lives, and just how unimportant all of our past issues are now. There is no more time left and I know this instinctively. But, I do give him hope of an ongoing life, leaving my new phone number and tell him to call and I will come. Before I leave though, he motioned me to his bed and embraced me and time was momentarily suspended. I felt this hug in my soul. I knew that this will be the last time I would feel Bob's once strong arms.
I waited to see if I would get another call, but a few more days went by and I did not hear from anyone. A day or so later I was on my way to my annual doctor's appointment, which is something that causes me untold anxiety and always has and I had not slept well in anticipation. As I was driving along the freeway my thoughts were centered around this appointment, but about half way there I sensed a gust of wind blowing through my car and thought this was strange. A few moments later, my spirit lifted, I felt lighter and happier. For the first time, I walked into my doctor's office elated. This feeling stayed with me all day. I wondered about it and especially since even my co-worker mentioned how well I looked and that I seemed to be in a great mood. The new me was so obvious that she even asked me if something positive had happened to me? No, not really, I responded. I was as puzzled as she obviously was.
A few days later, I awoke to my phone ringing too early. My friend was on the phone and this alarmed me. I thought something was wrong. Tracy, she said, have you read the paper yet, has anyone called you? No, I said, I have only just gotten up to the phone ringing. Bob has died she said, It is in this morning's paper. I could not respond immediately. How is this possible? Bob is dead! When did he die? I don't know' she said, it doesn't say in the newspaper. But, I knew. Bob died two days before on the day that I had felt my spirit soar. Later, I learned that Bob had had gone into a coma a few hours after my visit and had died on the day of my doctor's appointment - at the exact time I had experienced the gust of wind and my own spirit being uplifted. His family told me that I was the last face he saw, the last person who heard him say I will always love you.
After this call, I could not go to work. Instead, I got into my car and drove to one of the places we had so often gone while on one adventure or another. Bob was a great outdoors man and especially he loved the natural world that surrounds us of mountains, streams and valleys. I had often accompanied him on his ATV to the most remote locations. Bob taught me to listen to the silence. In silence, I planted the red rose that I had brought with me. I didn't cry. Instead, I remembered.
Of course, I went to the funeral. Bob's family greeted me warmly and with gratitude. It seemed as though I had always been and always would be a part of Bob. Going home from the funeral I was nearly driven off the road by a large bird heading directly for my car, but all off a sudden it flew up and away. When I looked behind to see where it went, it wasn't there.
When I reached home I looked at the memorial card given to guests at the funeral, and listened to the silence of Bob's own words.
Do not stand at my grave
And weep
I am not there
I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds
That blow
I am the diamonds that glint
On the snow
I am the sunlight
On ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken
In the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds
In circled flight
I am the soft stars
That shine in the night
Do not stand at my grave
And cry
I am not there
I did not die.
Author Unknown
Several months have passed. I have not cried. I have remembered the days spent at Bob's cabin in the wilderness where he would tell me to listen to the wind as it moved the giant trees overhead. I have not cried. I have remembered when Bob would tell me to see the snow glisten it looks like diamonds. I have not cried. I have remembered when Bob would tell me to look at the sunlight on the open fields of grain. I have not cried. I have remembered when Bob would tell me to listen to the raindrops as they clattered on the old cabin roof. I have not cried. I have remembered when Bob would tell me to watch the birds as they circled in flight heading south. I have not cried. I have remembered when Bob would tell me to look up into the dark night sky and see a million stars shinning. I have not cried.
Wherever I see the natural world, Bob is. I no longer remember what drove us apart, but choose to remember what held us close. Once Bob looked for and found the highest mountain he could climb on his ATV (all terrain vehicle). Below us a river wound its tortuous way towards the ocean. We stood together awed by the rugged beauty surrounding us. Bob said, Everything in nature is beautiful. His eyes mirrored his soul, and I do not cry.