by Susan E. Carr

Created on: August 04, 2009

I knew that someday I would get the call - the one that would signify the end. Often I had gone over what I would say or do when that call finally came in. For weeks before I had the feeling that I should pay attention to each day, live them fully, experience as much as I possibly could, forgive and be forgiven.

"Tracy, this is Bob's sister calling. I have made a number of attempts to try and find you. It has been a long time, but I would not be able to forgive myself if I did not call and let you know that Bob is dying. Her words fell like rocks in my ears. I didn't respond immediately but listened to what she would say next. Tracy, Bob is calling for you. He does not have much time. He told me that you are still the love of his life and he wants you to come to the hospital. I stopped and took a long and deep breath, filtering this information, pretending I was not hearing it. As time stood still, my memory flashed back to what was now almost a 40 year history. I quickly searched around for the right thing to say, but what is the right thing to say when someone is dying. Thank you for calling me, but it has been a very long time. Are you certain that it is me he is calling for, and not that you or your family believe that it is important to call me? No, Tracy, his sister repeated he has definitely asked for you and I just don't know how much time he has left. We would appreciate it if you could do this for him, since you may be the one who gives him a reason to fight back, to keep on living. Knowing that I could not refuse this request, I said that I would go as soon as I could.

Over the next few days, I recalled often what Bob had always said to me during the time that we were so passionately in love. Tracy, he said, I have always, and will always love you. I have loved you since the first time I saw you when you were only 16 years old. The last face I want to see before I die is yours. Since this was said to me so many times, I became somewhat anxious what if I really would be the last face he sees? I called his sister back and said Jane, I know that I have promised that I will go to the hospital to see Bob, but I must let you know what he has always said to me in the past. I do not want to be the last face he sees what if I am? Will you and your family blame me? Of course not, she said we will be happy that he has received his dying wish. All of a sudden, I felt so very old, so very tired and so very sad, but I would visit

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