by Ed Barkum

Created on: August 04, 2009

Do Expectations In Marriage Change Over The Years?

Although it has been a number of years now, I can still remember a young boy in his early 20's getting up at 6AM, to go to work. I'd hurry home after work, to be greeted with a long kiss hello, and the smell of dinner inviting me into a small kitchen in our two-bedroom apartment. Cuddling on the couch after dinner watching TV, more cuddling than watching. We didn't have a lot of money, nice clothes, fancy cars, or expensive jewelry. All we had was each other and our expectations.

We each had three: She expected me to be a good husband and provider. I expected her to be a good wife and mother. We both expected to be together for life.

Was there more we wanted or expected to achieve in our marriage together? Well of course there was. Like any other young couple our expectations would rise and fall as priorities shifted and circumstances dictated a new course of direction. During the early stages of marriage a common expectation meant spending all of our leisure time together and enjoying the company of friends or a good movie from time to time.

Soon there was our firstborn and our expectations shifted slightly. We still expected to continue to enjoy each other but the game had changed. However the change was not all that dramatic. As time moved on and the kids kept coming you suddenly realize that not only has the game changed, you're in a totally different ballpark. The two-bedroom no longer works, and as the breadwinner you're expected to find answers.

This now created a whole new set of expectations outside the home. I needed a better income, and I knew that meant more schooling. Would this have an impact on my wife's expectations? You bet it did. Heretofore I had been coming home every night after work, and my weekends were spent with the family. Now I'm away from home three nights a week and I'm spending most of my weekend time doing homework. Was this an original expectation for either of us? I think not.

Fast-forward to a time when the kids are now growing and in school. I'm done with college, we're in our home, I'm coaching two of my sons in flag football and my wife is Den Mom to 15 cheerleaders. I can't even begin to recall the different expectations we had in those days. What about high school and college? How long before they're all grown up gone? When will the oldest start driving? Etc.

But life is short and before you know it they're all gone, the grand kids start coming and with them a whole new set of expectations. "Honey, are the grandkids coming over today?" "Are we going to their house for Thanksgiving, or are they coming here?"

Yes we have had our share of changes in many different game plans to get to the final goal. But, do expectations in marriage truly change over the years? The answer is "No, not really, at least not the important ones." My wife expected a good husband and provider. I expected a good wife and mother. We both expected to be together for life. After 46 years our primary expectations have not changed one iota. And I'm more than happy to report that my expectations are being exceeded, and I work very hard each day trying to meet those of my loving wife.

Learn more about this author, Ed Barkum.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.