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There is an old saying: Know what to kiss and when. If you are spending your time trying to figure out how to get your professor to notice you, then forget about trying to impress him with your intelligence.

So we have already established that you are not going to dazzle Professor Throttlebody with you brilliance, it is time to baffle him with BS. Most people are impressed by anyone who cares about them. Read all the Professor's books and papers. Be prepared to pepper your public remarks with quotations from his latest works. Contrive to have Professor Throttlebody over hear you by striking up a conversation with a willing victim and mention how you found the Professor's theory that the hairs of a tarantula could be knitted into cool hats to be particularly brilliant.

Make an appointment with the Professor during his office hours and actually show up to the appointment on time and ask an intelligent questions. Since you have compiled a dossier on the man you happen to know that his favorite hobby is making goat cheese from his very own goats. Don't let on that you find this hobby an extremely filthy waste of time. Rather let it slip that you, whilst working on this week's homes work assignment, where munching on a particularly tasty goat cheese pizza. When Throttlebody takes the bait, pounce by revealing that you know the entire history of goat cheese-including the more obscure and legendary parts like the name of the first genius to yank on a hapless she goat and live (Crottin de Chavignol).

Accept when the Professor offers to take you into his home that you may feast on fermented goat's milk and various moldy goat cheeses. Pretend that you did not mistake his rather homely daughter for a goat and offer to take her sailing.

But enough about ingratiating yourself by jamming into Professor Throttlebody's social life. After all, this ploy may not work or you make take his daughter out to a vegetarian restaurant whereupon she breaks out in hives after eating bad bean curd.

Just in case, you need another way in. Or maybe two. Academic excellence is definitely out. If you were smart enough for that you'd be way too smart to try to kiss bottom in order to work your way to the top.

No, we need something that even you can't mess up. Find out where Professor Throttlebody is getting his grant money from. What books and articles is he currently writing? What is the nature of his on going research? Purposefully look for the most odious

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