I CRIED IN THE DARK: A TALE OF SURVIVAL
Today I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee. Sure, I made it, but what I wouldn't give for a nice cup of Starbucks. You can't have everything I guess. The mountains are beautiful, the colors exploding in varying shades of reddish brown to darkest green. It really depends on how the sun hits a particular spot. We all have a beginning. Mine was pretty ordinary for a kid growing up in the military. My father was in the Air Force, so we moved around a lot. He was what, we who know, call prior-enlisted. I saw both sides of living in the military from a kid's view. There's not much difference in being an enlisted's child and an officer's child. A lot of my friends still sucked. What most civilians don't seem to realize is that kids like me, we enjoyed our lives. It was all we knew. We looked forward to the day when mom or dad would say ok, we're moving. This is our next duty station.. I can't imagine life not having been that way. New places, new faces. I have lived from Puerto Rico to Nebraska. When I was old enough, I joined the military and was off to Europe. Dad was still "in". It was a good life then, full of fun and new adventures. I wouldn't change that.
Not so long ago, I could find no beauty in life, let alone the world around me. In those days, I cried a lot. Ok, all the time. There are places within me that I never knew existed. Sometimes, it would be nice to have never found them. They said it would make me stronger knowing who I am. Maybe they're right, maybe not, we'll see. At least I'm sure now I'll have at least some time to find out. This I do know, I cried in the dark and survived.
Mom was a typical military spouse. She worked in the NCO club then civil service as an administrative assistant. She went back to school and then became a very successful systems administrator. Yes, still in civil service.
Mom didn't believe me when I said I had joined the military until I packed my bags for basic. Then she cried like crazy. I'll admit, I found that a bit disturbing. Mom, she had a very strong personality. That kind of emotion was difficult to know what to do with. I'm not saying mom was hardcore. She wasn't completely that, there was also a soft side to her. She was a beautiful person as well as a beautiful woman. She had lots of friends and admirers. Dad was and still is the biggest admirer of them all. She knew what she wanted out of life and went for it and didn't take crap from anyone. I thought I had learned that from her. I learned the hard way I may have been wrong. I loved my mother. She was the best friend I ever had. I wish I could tell her, but time waits for no one. I am proud to have called her mom and I miss her more than I can ever begin to say.
I was born into the military. I like to tell people that I am a product of the United States Government. I think my parents shelled out about $100 to have me. Perks. I attended elementary and middle school on military bases. High school began my introduction to civilian life, civilians and, I think, the beginning of all the problems. Growth pains? I don't really remember any of my teachers. Too many schools for that. I only remember a select few of my friends and favorite crushes. You can't help but remember them. Everyone else? Was there anyone else? Well, that's life growing up in the military. Just too many people to remember.
Early life was a joy. No worries, no bills, no heartaches. Just a game of kick ball or neighborhood football in someone's back yard. Growing up in my time, parents didn't have the worries about their kids' safety we do now-a-days. Every parent on the block was an extended family member. Wasn't a lot of fun having that many parents when they told your actual parents what you'd been up to for the day. Life was good.
I went on to high school. No longer in the confines and security of the military base with kids just like me. I was bused to a local high school in town starting in the 9th grade. A whole new world this, and cute guys. I thought I was in heaven. If I had to say when I started changing, this would be it. I had my first real boyfriend in the 8th grade. It didn't go very well after a while. He broke up with me. He said that someone threatened to beat me up if he didn't date their friend. I never knew if that was true or not. I do remember seeing him get really teary eyed one day when he noticed I was wearing the first gift I'd ever gotten from a boy, from him. A really nice necklace, my birthstone, amethyst. I still have it to this day in the jewelry box. I saw him again a year or so later at a football game. We had ended up in different high schools and our schools were playing against each other. We kicked their butts I'm glad to say. He had been looking for me all night he said. I was in the high school marching band and he knew where to look. I was still hurting after all that time and told him to call me as I had to go. That was the last time I ever saw him. I always wondered what would have happened if I had actually given him my phone number again to call. My new boyfriend had seen all this, the hug, my excitement. That didn't go over very well.
We had our own problems, the new boyfriend and me. And this set the theme for years to come in my relationships. I never saw it coming. Do we ever see the direction our lives are going in until it's hit us in the face?