by Ed Barkum

Created on: August 02, 2009   Last Updated: August 03, 2009

How to forgive your spouse

My knee-jerk reaction to this particular topic is to say something like, "Unconditionally and completely, is how you should forgive your spouse." But with further thought I find the issue of spousal forgiveness to be a bit more convoluted and complex than the simplistic, "this is how it's done" response.

Throughout most of our lives we have been taught to believe that to forgive means to pardon or excuse someone for some harm they may have caused us. Therefore we tend to see forgiveness as something we can give or offer to others. And in some cases that may well be how it works, but I'm not so sure.

Consider the following example:

Let's say a friend owes you fifty bucks, and fails to pay you over a considerable number of months, you may elect to dissolve the friendship, or you might decide that his friendship is worth far more than fifty dollars, and forgive the debt, as well as, his devious actions.

If you choose the latter and forgive your friend, have you given or offered him anything? Some might answer, "Yes, I just gave him fifty dollars."

But that's not so! You gave him fifty dollars months ago. Today by forgiving his behavior and failure to pay the debt, you allow yourself to move on, and you will no longer feel the need to agonize over the fact that your friend is never going to pay you.

In this example, who truly reaps the greater benefit of your forgiveness? ...You do!

Meaningful marital relationships however are built on much more than a fifty-dollar loan between friends. The feelings, understanding, and emotions between man and wife run deeper than the average friendship. And so too does the hurt when the behavior of one's spouse violates the trust in a marriage in such a way as to warrant the need for forgiveness. And so the process of forgiveness in a marriage is quite different than in the above example... Or is it?

When one spouse learns that the other has committed an offense that violates their vowels, breaks a promise, or is in any way harmful to the relationship, the ensuing emotions triggered by the news can be manifested in a small way, or it could run the full gamut of emotions, depending on the offense. How one deals with the situation and the forgiveness thereof, is largely dependent on the status of the relationship as well as, the nature of the violation.

In a shaky relationship built on the material things in life, a forgotten birthday may be harder to forgive than a night of infidelity. Whereas

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>