by Joan Hall

Created on: August 02, 2009   Last Updated: August 03, 2009

How can we, as parents, help our children to understand that mistakes are not the end of the world? That instead, they can be growth opportunities? Here are some principles I think are helpful.

* Role modeling is always the first principle in parenting. We adults need to be examples of learning from our own mistakes. As parents, we shouldn't be afraid to admit in front of our children that we get it wrong sometimes. "Boy, that really went wrong. I think what I should do next time is . . .." This helps our children understand that making a mistake doesn't make you worthless or bad, and you can learn from it how to do better in the future. Also, the children won't feel singled out when the time comes to talk to them about mistakes they've made.

* Help your children to see learning from their experiences as a regular part of life. This means that their successes should also be used as learning opportunities. If I have an opinion about why something went well, I try to mention it to my son. "It was a really good idea when you put the library books in the car last night, because none of us even thought about them this morning. We should do that more often, taking things to the car as soon as we think about it." That way, your child knows that, "What can we learn from this?" is not just your code phrase for, "You blew it big time, kid."

* Really, really try not to get emotional when your child messes up. Your children hate to feel like you're disappointed in them. Try to look at the situation as rationally as you can. This will help your children look at it the same way.

* Talk about the situation, not the child. There's less of a sting if you avoid making "you" statements. Instead of saying, "Well, if you never clean your room, it's inevitable that you won't be able to find things. What are you going to do to fix this?" say, "Things do get lost easily in a messy room. How can we work on keeping things in better order?"

* Don't play the part of the know-it-all. Even if it seems obvious to you what your children should learn from a situation, give the children the opportunity to express their ideas first. You might be surprised by their insights! Then you can add your perspective to theirs and come up with solutions together.

Helping our children develop the right attitude toward mistakes supports positive self-esteem and prepares them for better decision-making as adults. Every little bit of instruction and encouragement helps.

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