by Thomas Simpson

Created on: August 01, 2009

I have always had a problem ordering food from the "Speakerbox," you know that contraption that you yell at-"A Number 1 with a Coke Please!" I have even found over the years that different fast food joints communicate differently within the SpeakerBox. The SpeakerBox has even conditioned me to buy-in to the concept that I just can't do it. I can't get my message across to a silver box with tiny holes in it. So I usually just go inside, stand in line, and when it's my turn, I say, can I get this to go please?" I am like a walking Seinfeld episode. You know the one about the Soup Nazi. Walk in a single-file line, step-slide-step, step-slide-step, until that magic moment when it's my turn! Well, looking back on the days when I used to attempt a clear communication with someone on the other end the SpeakerBox, I remember three distinct versions of the immanent disaster. First, there is McDonald's. I used to love me some two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. McDonald's is probably the friendliest of them all. You can hear the smile through the speakerbox as the associate say, "Hi, Welcome to McDonald's. Can i take your order please?" But that's where the fun ends. Somewhere in trying to overcome the noise of my car engine, kids crying, and a train going by, my "Number 1 with a Coke" just doesn't make it over the air waves. So, trying to be nice, the associate guesses at what I wanted and asks, Was that a Quarter-Ponder with Cheese?" No, I say, and then repeat. Finally, as I take off in my haste, I reach for my coke, and alas, no straw!

Then there's Burger King. Poor guy's been playing second fiddle to the clown for so long. So now the ritual continues. I am hungry, no I am ravenous. I can't wait to puncture that flame-broiled patty between my teeth. I drive up to the Speakerbox and say "Number 1 with a Coke Please." Then the SpeakerBox says, "Would you like cheese on that, sir." Cheese? On a Whopper? No, I don't want any stinkin' cheese! I just want a Number 1 with a Coke!...Please. Then the associate asks me another question that sounds like it was uttered in Swedish. I can't make it out, so I just repeat my order, hoping he'll get it right. I finally get up the window, get my food, and I'm on my way. No French Fries!

Lastly, there's Wendy's. Back in the day you wouldn't think of Wendy's. Now she's the number one burger joint in the world, and I am a fan. As much as like a Wendy's square hamburger, I still can't get a clear message to the Speakerbox. The thing with Wendy's is they're in such a hurry to serve you great food fast, they don't know which end is up. As I ordered my usual, you know, Number 1 with a Coke, the associate asked me the fast food famous line, '"Would you like cheese on that, sir?" Cheese? No, I don't want cheese, I just want the number 1 combo and let's go! One time they were in such a rush, the associate just said, "Sir, I don't have time to stop and take your order, can i just hand you what I've got prepared, no charge, just take it and go! I said, is there any cheese on it? He said, no sir. I figured, I never get what I order anyway, what the heck. I got a free cheeseless meal and I was outta there!

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