by Ed Barkum

Created on: August 01, 2009

How To Fight Fairly In A Marriage

Well, to start with, the term "fight fairly" is somewhat of an oxymoron if you consider the raw definitions of the words "fight" and "fair." According to Webster, to fight is to "strive to overcome, or contend in battle or physical combat." Whereas to be fair, is to be "free from self-interest or favoritism." Or, "Marked by impartiality and honesty." Therefore before we can adequately map out a strategy for "how to fight fairly in a marriage", we must first determine whether or not one "can fight fairly in a marriage?"

Despite the fact that 50 percent of all marriages in this country end in divorce, the institute of marriage is primarily based on, or at least should be based on, a set of guiding principles that embodies, mutual love, respect, caring, trust, understanding, patience, tolerance, and selflessness. These are prime elements needed in a successful, sustainable marriage. Unfortunately too many marriages start out lacking many of these elements, and without them it is very difficult to learn to fight fairly. On the other hand, when the elements of a solid marriage are present from the beginning, learning to fight fairly is a very achievable goal.

It is important to note the use of the word "learn" as I believe in order for married couples to have what can be called a "fair fight", a substantial amount of learning is required. Rarely - and perhaps never - are two people so compatible that they can live together completely free of disagreement and disputes. Human nature almost guarantees that two people under the same roof will often disagree. During the very early stages of marriage as disputes develop into confrontational arguments couples undergo a kind of feeling out process similar to heavyweights in a boxing ring. Here is where you learn what buttons to push, and more importantly what buttons not to push.

Over time, both couples will begin to develop their own internal list of taboos and lines they will not cross during a fight. In some cases it might be advisable to discuss various "No-No's" in a marital fight that turns you off, or that can be unnecessarily hurtful. However in many cases the degree of love, and caring, can be so strong that it eliminates the need for the spoken word. This is especially true when both husband and wife can develop a genuine sensitivity to each other's internal needs.

Always Being Right

We all know one or two people in our circle of friends and relatives who

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