by Janice Suchoski

Created on: July 31, 2009

The key element in helping teens deal with life setbacks is to help rather than jump in and do. Because parents love their children there is often a great temptation to "fix" everything so pain is kept to a minimum. It may work for the moment but the overall effect is one of putting a bandage over wounds that do not heal. Some dirt is kept out but it does not necessarily allow the best healing to take place.

Setbacks are a part of life for everyone. Parents can help their teen realize that their problem is not unique in the world and that others have survived similar woes. Being part of a larger group feels better than feeling all alone and singled out for doom. Of course anything that hits a teen personally always feels worse than whatever anyone else has gone through, but the perspective of a larger group still makes a teen feel less personally attacked when they stop obsessing and think about it.

A listening ear without offered solutions allows teens to verbalize their problems which is the first step to dealing with situations. Simple questions such as; "..and how do you feel about that," or "..what are your ideas in handling what happened," aid in the cognitive process of putting things in perspective. Once a problem is compartmentalized it is easier to deal with in a rational manner. Teens generally need to vent first so the emotional rush is past before they can deal with the realities of a solution.

Setbacks are not without their uses as teaching moments. What life lessons can be learned from a setback? Parents can help a teen look at possibilities for improvement through setbacks. What opportunities does the setback open? If there have been restrictions of any sort through a setback, encourage the teen to benefit from alternatives. If, for instance, lack of study results in a negative result on a driving exam, unearned driving privileges may feel like the end of the world. Carpooling with a friend may offer happier opportunities than continuing to be taken to school by mom or dad. Biking may gain the attention of that athletic person of the opposite sex who rides their bike every day. Encourage the changing of a negative into a positive while the ultimate goal is being reworked.

Some setbacks cause real hardship. Open, unjudgemental communication with teens on a regular basis makes it easier to share difficult times. A strong emotional support is invaluable with the ups and downs of teen experience.

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