by Happy Girl

Created on: July 30, 2009   Last Updated: August 01, 2009

I believe that when a grandparent tries to interfere with the role of the parent it causes resentment and can ultimately cause friction in the relationship between them and their adult children. Grandparents who routinely undermine the authority of the parents do a major disservice to themselves and their grandkids.

If you truly believe that a parent has made a bad choice or went too far stop and think before you speak up. Remember, you probably made your share of mistakes when you were a parent. The appropriate way to handle this situation is to take the parent to the side and talk to them about it away from the kids. Don't come down on the parent with some kind of superiority complex as I stated before you too made mistakes as a parent and if you believe you didn't you are lying to yourself. Talk to them respectfully the way you wished your parents or in laws had spoken to you. If it is just a disagreement in how they raise their kids vs. the way you did it just drop it altogether. Remember a lot has changed since the days you raised your children. I know you may want to put little Johnny in that lead based paint crib you raised Johnny senior in, but maybe mommy and daddy might have a valid reason to ask you to not use that old crib.

Grandparents have to realize that they can be a part of the solution or a part of the problem. Which do you want to be? I think the choice should be clear I know I wouldn't want my children to resent me in fact I would prefer to give them a reason to want me around. It's truly counterproductive to make yourself a burden rather than making yourself an asset. If you don't care then don't be surprised or feel victimized when you are no longer in your grandchildren's lives. If you want to maintain a good relationship then you have to remember that you are not automatically awarded respect if you aren't willing to give it back.

Another problem that grandparents can cause from being over-involved is causing problems in the marriages of their adult children. Don't tell me you actually believe that bashing the son or daughter-in-law is going to make for a happy life for your adult child or your grandchildren. Marriages are already under a tremendous amount of strain with affairs becoming almost acceptable and people being overworked it's harder than ever to keep a marriage going. It is upsetting for the kids too because they think their parents are wonderful and don't know why grandma and grandpa hate mommy or daddy. Let's face it divorce is devastating to the kids and let's not forget that it's painful for everyone including grandparents who sometimes get left out of the mix when parents are trying to divide time to allow their children time with one another.

I know it must be hard to be a grandparent, but when you start to feel the need to speak up please think about if is something that is truly worth opening your mouth over the consequences could be more that you ever thought. My husband and his mom who once were very close are no longer on speaking terms because of these very things and in the end I think everybody is left hurting when maybe a little understanding could have went a long ways. Remember, this article is meant to offer insight into the mind of the parent because I know we sometimes forget how we felt at that stage in our lives. I want to stress that I would never tell anyone to not be an advocate for a child, just try to remember that being a good parent takes a lifetime of personal growth and it never stops. You too are still growing as a parent and now as a grandparent remember your adult children still need your support and understanding.

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