by Jan Castagnaro

Created on: July 30, 2009   Last Updated: April 15, 2010

How to Forgive Your Spouse

Forgiving someone is easier said than done. Obviously, if you are at the point where forgiveness is needed, you have probably had your fill of feelings being hurt. When someone we love, especially a spouse, does something to make you feel wounded, it is real easy to slip into revenge mode rather than walking away, cooling down, and finding forgiveness in your heart. Sometimes, the wounds that have been made run deep and reaching the point of forgiving your spouse will take time. Still, there are acts of betrayal that will make it impossible to forgive, let alone forget, but learning how to forgive your spouse can go along way toward strengthening the relationship, while not allowing the marriage to become weighted down by negative energy.

Unfortunately, even the healthiest relationships will find a moment where one part of the couple does something that causes emotions to be rubbed the wrong way. It is important to weigh the significance of the situation. More often than not, it is easier to slip into the state of "grudge holding" then it is to let go of petty issues. So, he forgot to pick up what you asked him to pick up on the way home from work. So, she forgot to run an errand you asked of her. There are petty and insignificant issues that happen in relationships, but if you spend all your energy nit-picking and sweating the little things, you will spend more time in a state of anger. Instead, forgive the petty quickly and move on, because most petty acts can be resolved-what is done is done.

Also, learn how to approach the situation that needs forgiveness. Often, the spouse that is feeling hurt or angered by actions of the other will go straight into attack mode. Reacting in the heat of the moment will only serve to increase the hurt and prolong the forgiving. It is better to allow yourself to calm down before approaching the situation. Then, when you are more level-headed and had time to really think about what actually unfolded, you can approach each other respectfully without the initial degree of anger and inevitable eruptive fight. This will help you calmly resolve the issue, instead of fighting over it, which usually leaves the conflict unresolved and forgiving your spouse becomes the last thing on your mind.

Sometimes, couples have a tendency to lose focus on the issue at hand, and instead of reaching the forgiving point on one issue, a suitcase load of old issues pops open and empties out on top of the immediate issue.

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