Child Abuse, the Lasting Affects:
Child abuse isn't something that happens once and then it's over and forgotten. It's something that happens over and over, and it becomes a lifestyle to the child. Slowly but surely, any semblance of "normal" is taken from him and he is left trying to fit into a world he knows little or nothing about. I really don't think people can even begin to imagine what a child goes through and how it affects him his whole life.
Imagine being called ugly and stupid every day of your life and the people calling you this are your own parents. Parents are like God to a child; they're the ones who take care of you and teach you how life's supposed to be. They're all powerful and all knowing so if they say you're ugly and stupid, it must be true, right?
(The child learns he is ugly and stupid.)
Imagine never being hugged or even smiled at by your parents your entire childhood. Now and then a stranger smiles at you and maybe even tries to give you a hug. It feels awkward and strange and you think something's wrong. What are they smiling at? You want to go hide; it just doesn't feel right, and if mommy or daddy sees this person being nice to you, they're going to be mad. You cringe when the person touches you and you're afraid.
(The child learns he is unlovable. He also learns to hate being touched. He pulls away if someone tries to hug him.)
Imagine when you're allowed to go outside to play, you're confined inside a fence and not allowed to play with other children. Sometimes you sneak and play with one of the neighborhood children through the fence, but you're always on the lookout for daddy so your playmate can run away before he sees him. Inside the house, you're either confined to a bare bedroom or to the cellar. You have no interaction with your parents except for when they're mad.
(The child learns to be isolated. He doesn't know how to interact with people.)
Imagine being beaten with a flyswatter all over your body. Your mother is in a rage and it's like she can't control herself. She just keeps swinging and swinging and no matter how hard you try to shield yourself, it's useless. Each blow is harder than the one before. She finally stops and she's all out of breath; she has this wild look in her eyes. You're covered with welts all over your body, including your face and you're cowering in a corner in a fetal position, covering your head with your arms. Now imagine going to visit Grandma the next day. She sees the welts and asks, "What did you do?"
(The child learns he deserved that beating. He learns he's bad. He learns this must be okay because no one's telling him it's not.)
Now imagine your mother saying, "Wait till your father gets home." That's worse than anything. The wait is pure agony because you have no idea what he'll do this time. You imagine all sorts of horrible things, because it's never the same. He always finds different ways to punish you and he seems to enjoy it because he always has a smile on his face and taunts you. When he finally gets there you just want to get it over with, but he takes his time. First he tells you how no good you are and how much you hurt your mom. He keeps it up and keeps it up till you're almost praying for the beating. Sometimes he uses his belt and sometimes he uses his fists. Sometimes mommy is standing right there looking justified.
(The child learns he's no good. No beating on earth is punishment enough for his terrible behavior.)
Imagine being a young girl being woken up every night, being touched where you shouldn't be being touched. You freeze because this is the same person who would beat you to a pulp just for looking at them the wrong way. You're helpless. It wouldn't do any good to scream because no one there could help you anyway, and you'd probably get beaten for lying about such a thing. You endure this night after night. You pretend to be asleep because to acknowledge that it's happening would be ten times worse. You try to stay awake and not be in bed that hour of the night, but he waits. Your mother is right downstairs the whole time. It almost seems like she's waiting too because she never comes upstairs. Not until it's all over. Does she know?
(The child learns to feel dirty and violated and horrible and damaged.)
Imagine telling a friend at school about what's happening at night. You're on the verge of a nervous breakdown because you can't take it any more. Even though you swore your friend to secrecy, she tells the guidance counselor. He calls you in the office and calls your parents. You're scared to death. When your mother arrives at the school, the guidance counselor leaves the room to give you privacy. The first thing your mother says, as she looks at you accusingly is, "You're not going to the police." That's all. The guidance counselor sends you home with your parents; right back to the same situation.
(The child learns to be Silent.)
Now imagine that child has become an adult. What does he know about life and about love? What has he learned and who has he become? He is now an adult who has no self confidence. He struggles to prove he's not stupid and tries desperately to prove himself and make himself worthy to be loved. Hugging and showing affection are still awkward to him and if he's lucky he can eventually force himself to do it without it feeling awkward. He has trouble communicating and spends a lot of time alone. Social events are very uncomfortable for him. He's more down on himself than anyone else could ever be. Perhaps he still feels guilty for being such a bad child. She feels damaged and cannot even bear to think of what was done to her. It's so dirty and disgusting she doesn't ever want anyone to know. If anyone ever finds out her secret, they will be disgusted. She is so ashamed.
These are some examples of what it feels like to be a child who is being abused and what it's like for that child when he becomes an adult. Children who have been abused have lasting affects throughout their entire life. With good counseling, they may be able to learn to fit in and have a somewhat normal life, but there are limits to what therapy can do. While it may be possible to learn to love and to heal some of the scars, all the therapy in the world can never replace a childhood that was lost.