by S.S. McDaniel

Created on: July 29, 2009

He kneels in front of you, heart racing, palms sweating, his mind going through a billion things he has practiced saying to you and all the things he hopes will happen. "Will you marry me?"

"I don't know. Let me think about it."

Floored. Who wouldn't be? The moment your partner has been planning, hoping, and dreaming for has just been smashed like a glass vase. Beyond that, you come across as uncertain about your relationship. Yes, it is a huge step to take, but so was mustering up the courage to put themselves in such a potentially humiliating position. And that is exactly what you have done to them, especially if it was a public proposal: humiliated them.

Put yourself in the shoes of the proposing partner for a moment. You are more than fairly certain of the strength of your relationship and the love of your partner, or you wouldn't be asking. You've planned just how, where, and when to ask. You have probably gotten a ring, which you put a great deal of thought and money in to. Finally, the time and place are right: you screw up your courage and ask only to hear that phrase "I need to think about it."

Read: "I'm not sure I'm ready to get married."

Read: "I'm not sure that I want to get married."

Read: "I'm not sure I want to get married to you."

Whether or not these are actually the thoughts going through your mind when you tell your partner you want some time to consider, this is what they will think you are thinking and it will hurt. Badly. The only thing worse, and maybe not even then, would be if you'd laughed in their faces. At least then you wouldn't have been leaving them in such a state of uncertainty.

Even if your partner takes this calmly on the surface, you can guarantee you have set into motion a plethora of fears and doubts that may well plague them even after (and if) you say "yes". Do you really love them? Are you saying yes because you want to marry them or because you feel put on the spot? What were you being weighed against? Above all: Why?

If you must, absolutely must, have time to consider before you say yes or no, be specific as to why. Rather than saying "I need some time to think" say "I love you, but I'd like to consider if this is the right time for us to get married." or "I love you, but I don't feel that I'm ready to get married yet: let's put this on hold for a little while." Be as quiet as possible about it: try not to embarrass them more than they already are.

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