by Pam From Hell

Created on: July 28, 2009

Reason #1: They don't like each other.

My family never had many family reunions, because they learned early on that most relatives didn't like each other much. My mother's relatives were all crazy as loons and my father's relatives were simple folk. To illustrate a few examples of why the relatives did not get along at family reunions, I will begin with the loony side.

Great Granny was from England and had the first cent she ever laid eyes on. She managed all of the money, rented rooms in her huge home to her wayward children and grandchildren, who were all simply waiting for her to kick the bucket so they could cash in. She didn't intend to die anytime soon simply to spite her greedy offspring. She didn't believe in banks, and kept her fortune hidden in various parts of the house. The atmosphere in her house was so thick with insecurity and resentment that household pets would scurry away, never to be seen again. Adding to Great Granny's ability to intimidate everyone around her, she drank too much and cussed like a sailor.

Her son was a spineless little man who cowered in fear whenever Great Granny opened her mouth. He drank to forget where he lived and who he was. His children only wanted one thing, and that was to leave home as soon as possible. This would take awhile since they were both under ten years old.

Great Granny's daughters were scary women who laughed like hyenas and had broomstick riding down to a science. Mean spirited and forceful, spouses never stood a chance. All three were divorced numerous times, and always managed to return to the old matriarch homestead, affectionately called the Addams Family Mansion.

Can you imagine this family reunion, with everyone disliking the thought of actually having to speak to each other? Family fun activity would be broomstick races, hideous food and drink concoctions, plots to get Great Granny drunk enough to trick her into revealing her monetary hiding places, and let's see who can frighten the in-laws the most.

Reason #2: Drinkers versus non-drinkers.

Everyone knows that when you have a gathering of relatives who drink, they will be having more fun than the non-drinkers for obvious reasons. They become boisterous, obnoxious and sometimes antagonistic. A fun activity for them, is taunting the non-drinkers. The non-drinkers don't react well to intimidation, and tempers usually escalate to the point of someone getting slugged. In order to avoid an all out brawl, the elders must intervene

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