by Edward Owen

Created on: July 28, 2009   Last Updated: July 30, 2009

I grew up camping, hunting, hiking and canoing. I belonged to the Boy Scouts for a number of years. Give me a pack, a sleeping bag and I'm ready to go. It's difficult for me to imagine anyone not loving the great outdoors, and I have a good imagination. As it turns out, not quite good enough.

When I met my wife, it was my heartfelt desire to share with her my love of nature and all its primitive beauty. I was in search of my inner primal man. My wife, on the other hand, was searching for her inner mall woman. This brings us to mistake #1: Camping with someone who is unclear on the concept. Some of the warning signs that will help you avoid this mistake include; observing your partner packing items like black pumps, makeup and cream rinse; inquiries from her about the type of food they serve and the fact that her pack weighs more than she does. I was newly in love (this should be a corollary to this rule) and oblivious the signs of the disaster to come.

I had planned our route up an easy trail in Yosemite National Park. We started out on a gorgeous spring day, the sun was shining and the temperature was seventy degrees. After checking that we had all our gear (and transferring half of hers to my pack), we parted company with our vehicle and strode into the wilderness. I was feeling like a million bucks and eager to demonstrate my knowledge to my new love. This brings us to mistake #2: Never assume your enthusiasm is shared by your partner. I pointed out all types of flora and fauna and poured forth my vast store of information on all things forest. She was mostly silent for the first hour (also not a good sign) and I took this to mean that she was listening intently to my monologue.

We reached a spot on the trail that over looked a small waterfall, so I decided we would stop for a break. I turned to help her with her pack and the look on her face burned itself into my retinas. She was beet red, her eyes were barely more than slits and her jaw was clenched tightly shut. I asked her if she was ok and she asked me if we were there yet. Hmmmmmm. This was the first point at which I suspected this vacation might not go quite as I had planned. I helped my love take off her pack and lean it up against a tree. I handed her a canteen of water and told her to have a seat and rest. If I wasn't sure about the trip at this point, her next words removed all doubt. With all of the enthusiasm of a child going to the dentist, she asked me; When are

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