by Patricia Tatum

Created on: July 27, 2009

Once upon a time, you could not imagine the person you chose to spend your life with would ever hurt you. Or make you angry, or disappoint you. It was a perfect match you had so much in common and agreed on everything. But marriage isn't a fairy tale, and beginning it with Once upon a time doesn't guarantee happily ever after. Throw two gloriously, passionately flawed human beings together and they will inevitably fight. And the more strongly they love each other, the more passionate their arguments will be. The trick is to learn how to argue in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than tearing it down.

Choose Your Battles

Decide if it is really important enough to take a stand on. Did he put the roll of toilet paper on the wrong way? Probably not worth making a fuss over. Hey, at least he changed it! Did she max out credit cards and hide the evidence? Definitely a situation that must be addressed. Ask yourself what the short- and long-term consequences will be; if it just means you take a moment to switch the toilet paper around, decide if you can live with that.

Understand Your Goals

You can't get what you want if you don't know what that is. Are you really angry because he was late for dinner? Or is it because you don't feel your effort to make dinner was appreciated? Sometimes all it takes to end the argument is an act; take out the garbage and everything is fine. Often, it's a combination of fact and emotion. Identify the emotion you're feeling hurt? Fear? Or just plain anger? Is your emotion out of proportion for the situation? If so, the solution is more complicated. Sometimes, it's a matter of

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Yelling, name calling, ranting, personal attacks and criticisms are all counter-productive to getting what you want. More importantly, they can erode a healthy relationship, tearing it down bit by bit. Follow the golden rule, even if your spouse doesn't. Simply tell them that you don't appreciate their rudeness and that it doesn't solve the problem. If you have to, take a break and come back to the discussion when you both are calmer. The old saying, Don't let the sun go down on your anger isn't necessarily the best answer. Sometimes the best thing you can do is sleep on it. A good night's sleep can bring a whole new perspective and the opportunity to discuss the issue rationally and calmly.

A couple who had been married almost sixty years was asked what advice they would give a newly married couple. The husband quickly responded, The first fifty years are the hardest. Marriage, like anything worth having, takes hard work, patience and understanding. Learning to disagree in a way that strengthens the relationship is one step closer to living happily ever after.

Learn more about this author, Patricia Tatum.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.