by AngelaCharles

Created on: July 27, 2009

How to Build a Healthy Marriage

With over fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce, it seems the secret to a healthy marriage has escaped the majority of the population. That is because building a healthy marriage takes a great deal of energy and determination. Healthy relationships do not just develop. It takes a conscious effort to create a harmonious atmosphere that allows for a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, few couples find the time or energy to focus on their marriage until they are in crisis mode, and then it is often too late.

Whether you are working as a team or independently, it is very possible to build a healthy marriage. The first step in building a healthy marriage is to identify your spouse's most important needs. I've seen these needs identified many different ways, but Dr. Harley's, Love Bank (1) is the most identifiable to me. Dr Harley's philosophy is that there are ten basic needs, and each of us has five that are most important to us. Once you identify your spouse's five most important emotional needs, find ways to meet those needs on a daily basis. The ten needs are honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, financial support, affection, family commitment, domestic support, admiration, recreational companionship, conversation, and sexual fulfillment. (1) Regardless of what your spouse is feeling, how disconnected the two of you have become, or how busy your lives are, meeting your spouse's most important emotional needs, will help bring you and your spouse closer together. This works because of the love bank.

The philosophy behind Dr. Harley's love bank is that with each positive action, we make a deposit in the love bank, and with each negative, we make a withdrawal. After many years of marriage, it is much harder to make deposits, but with the constant arguing, withdrawals are ramped, making a negative balance in your love bank. If you spend one week, making a conscious effort to meet your spouse's most important emotional needs, you will see a significant difference in how they treat you. The extent of hostility in your marriage will depend how significant of a difference. It is the same philosophy behind the popular new movie, "Fireproof" and the book that inspired it, The Love Dare. (2) The Love Dare asks you to spend forty days doing different things for your spouse. Those forty days you are making a conscious effort to do something nice for your spouse and again, with time your spouse will begin to reciprocate those actions. The hope is that after forty days, those actions will become habit and you will learn to treat each other with love and respect again.

My husband and I have been married for 18 years, the majority of them have been exceptional, but it took crisis mood for us to realize how to meet one another's needs on a consistent basis. The Love Dare and Dr. Harley's, Love Bank are both wonderful philosophies. They remind us of how important it is to continually meet our spouse's needs on a consistent basis, allowing you to not only build a healthy marriage, but more importantly to maintain a healthy marriage.

Works Cited

1. A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. Marriage Builders. [Online] [Cited: July 25, 2009.] http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html.

2. Fireproof resources. FireProof - the Movie. [Online] [Cited: July 25, 2009.] http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/.

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