by Katherine Born

Created on: July 26, 2009

Let's state our assumptions: We are speaking of married women in a North American setting where traditionally a woman changed her name to reflect her marriage to a certain man. Yes, there are other societies that do things differently, but we are not answering the question for those societies.

Since it is an established tradition for married women to change their last name to that of their husband, it is pertinent to ask why the change? Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so is more efficient and reduces confusion about relationship status. Why not?

One reason: The wife wants to retain her father's name because she identified with that name as a child and does not want to change her identity once married. If she just wants to preserve her father's name she could hyphenate or use it as a middle name. Keeping it as her last name shows that it is part of her identity as well.

Answer to this reason: Marriage is two becoming one, and should not be entered into with one of the partners determined not to change something like her name as a symbol of her single identity remaining unchanged.

Another reason: The wife has a professional attachment to the name and doesn't want to confuse her clients, etc.

Answer to this reason: Marriage is ancient. Most people can take name changes in their stride, and it might remind them to send gifts!

Yet another reason: Taking the husband's name is a symbol of male domination.

Answer: Men should dominate in the sense that they will sacrifice themselves to cover their wives and children and protect them from harm. Think of a man throwing his wife down to the ground and covering her body when in a bank and a gunman starts shooting. Nobody, especially the wife, will start an outcry of "subjugation" over this kind of domination. In the same way, giving his wife his last name is a way a man can say to the world: "Mine to keep and to take care of. Back off." A wife unwilling to accept this form of protection implies (perhaps unintentionally) to the husband that she is not committed to the marriage and will not remain faithful. She also may be giving other men an unintentional invitation.

When all is said and done, it is completely the woman's choice whether or not to change her name. However, she should consider carefully what kind of message she is sending to her husband and the world if she chooses not to take her husband's name, because in our society it is saying something...perhaps not what she wants it to. That's the problem with tradition: it implies cultural understandings that, even if unliked, are assumed by everyone. Compare it to wearing a wedding ring: if you see a man taking his off before entering a bar, you're probably not thinking it's because he doesn't want it to get dirty. If you see a woman not taking her husband's name, then the assumption can be that she doesn't really consider the marriage binding.

Learn more about this author, Katherine Born.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.