Is it me or have we in this country discovered a national treasure in the vast number of new "experts" popping up for interviews on every subject from wind shear to global warming to erectile dysfunction? Where do these people come from? There was a time when experts had to have gray hair and a mustache to be believable, just looking distinguished gave a guy a leg up. Anyone with a corduroy sports coat with suede patches on the elbows was a force to be reckoned with. I'm not saying they hornswoggled us with brilliance, but at least they looked smart. Today, I swear people will take the first person coming out of the restroom that doesn't have toilet paper stuck to their shoe to appear as the expert of the day. I have underwear older than most of them, and if they're so smart, how come they can't afford a decent haircut? My personal favorite of the new breed of experts is the "Do-It-Yourself" guru.
I think there a lot more do-it-yourself experts out there than do-it-yourselfers. If you don't believe me, do a do-it-yourself search yourself. It scares me that no one seems to know how to do much on their own. Did you know there is a site that has some vital information you would need to know before doing anything yourself? The following are actual suggestions that I have taken the liberty to explain just in case you can't do-it-yourself.
1. Decide what you want to do. OK, that's fair. I'm not sure I would be looking here if I didn't have something I needed help with, but I'm keeping an open mind.
2. Do you want to simply get something done? Um, well, yeah. That would be the plan. Yes, I would like to get something done. I want to nail this board to the wall.
3. It helps to be interested. Now, that remark sounds a little condescending. I'd appreciate a little support, and can we get down to it? I'm growing old here.
4. Make sure you are able to do what you are trying to do. Hmmmm. Just how would I do that if I haven't done it yet? (bozo) Uh, yes, I'm sure I am able to do whatever it is I wanted to do.
5. Learn about your chosen project and plan how you'll go about it. (Can you believe this?) Well, isn't that what you're going to help me do? I mean, I planned how I'll go about it and, you see, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. Sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you.
6. Gather your tools and learn how to use them safely and correctly. Hooray, now we're cookin! I've got my hammer and nails, the board and this thing with a bubble on it. They seem pretty harmless. I'm not allowed to use a tool that plugs in.
7. Don't be afraid of your tools. Now there's a helpful bit of information. Afraid of them? Who said I was afraid of them? I don't think I would be touching them if I was afraid of them. I certainly wouldn't be contemplating using them if I was afraid of them. Afraid of them. Hey, your village called. Their idiot is missing. Afraid of them. Sheeesh.
8. Gather your supplies. I'm getting a migraine. I just told you, you moron, I HAVE THEM. One hammer, four nails, a bubble stick and one damn board, an eleven and three quarters inches long two by four. Roger. Ten-four.
9. Get started. Well, wrap me in fat and call me a French fry. Gotcha! Wait...get started how? You haven't told me what to do yet.
10. Keep at it. Huh? Keep at what?
11. Pace yourself. Pace myself? Cripes, I haven't done anything yet! Well, I am getting a little tired. Be right back, I forgot my cigarettes. Oh, maybe I better get a cup of coffee too. Pace myself. You don't have to tell me that twice pal. Finally, some useful information.
Last but by no means least; our expert has listed two helpful for those of us who are still scratching our heads.
1. Get help. I must need help. I just listened to you and your idiotic do-it-yourself instructions. You call yourself an expert? You probably don't even have suede patches on your sleeves.
2. Consult an on line how-to-site for instructions on whatever it is you wish to do. Aaargh!
Source:www.wikihow.com/Do-It-Yourself