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Is it me or have we in this country discovered a national treasure in the vast number of new "experts" popping up for interviews on every subject from wind shear to global warming to erectile dysfunction? Where do these people come from? There was a time when experts had to have gray hair and a mustache to be believable, just looking distinguished gave a guy a leg up. Anyone with a corduroy sports coat with suede patches on the elbows was a force to be reckoned with. I'm not saying they hornswoggled us with brilliance, but at least they looked smart. Today, I swear people will take the first person coming out of the restroom that doesn't have toilet paper stuck to their shoe to appear as the expert of the day. I have underwear older than most of them, and if they're so smart, how come they can't afford a decent haircut? My personal favorite of the new breed of experts is the "Do-It-Yourself" guru.

I think there a lot more do-it-yourself experts out there than do-it-yourselfers. If you don't believe me, do a do-it-yourself search yourself. It scares me that no one seems to know how to do much on their own. Did you know there is a site that has some vital information you would need to know before doing anything yourself? The following are actual suggestions that I have taken the liberty to explain just in case you can't do-it-yourself.

1. Decide what you want to do. OK, that's fair. I'm not sure I would be looking here if I didn't have something I needed help with, but I'm keeping an open mind.

2. Do you want to simply get something done? Um, well, yeah. That would be the plan. Yes, I would like to get something done. I want to nail this board to the wall.

3. It helps to be interested. Now, that remark sounds a little condescending. I'd appreciate a little support, and can we get down to it? I'm growing old here.

4. Make sure you are able to do what you are trying to do. Hmmmm. Just how would I do that if I haven't done it yet? (bozo) Uh, yes, I'm sure I am able to do whatever it is I wanted to do.

5. Learn about your chosen project and plan how you'll go about it. (Can you believe this?) Well, isn't that what you're going to help me do? I mean, I planned how I'll go about it and, you see, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. Sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you.

6. Gather your tools and learn how to use them safely and correctly. Hooray, now we're cookin! I've got my hammer and nails, the board and this thing with a bubble on it. They seem pretty harmless. I'm not

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