by Nigel Percy

Created on: July 24, 2009

Respecting the dead is not quite as simple and obvious as it might first appear.

To respect the dead, it would seem to be necessary to have respect for them when they were alive. The mere fact of death shouldn't automatically imply respect. If that were so, then Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot deserve respect because they are no longer alive.

That is patently false.

Respect, then, means, on the one hand, having some knowledge of a life upon which to base a judgment after death. But it also implies that there is something broader than that; about relationships with people in general and how we view them both in life and death.

If one is respectful to people (alive or dead), then it means that honor or admiration is shown in various ways. It can be shown in actions or in words. For the dead, respect is most often shown in the objects, such as statues, headstones and the like, which portray or refer to the best aspects of the deceased.

We have human frailties and weaknesses. No-one is all good, or all bad (including the above trio, surprisingly!). So there is always something selective about respecting the dead. Do you ignore how sarcastic the person was in favor of his generosity? Do you balance the petty-mindedness at work with the steadfastness of her friendship? Which, in the end, remains as the abiding memory of the person?

There always are checks and balances in our minds when we think of the dead. Generally, those of our immediate family who died are always automatically respected. But that automatic aspect weakens with the distance from us of the deceased until we feel only a slight sorrow.

There are, of course, always the exceptions. Take the death of Princess Diana, for example. A huge outpouring of grief, a massive demonstration of respect for her memory, her life. Very few of the mourners would have ever met her or known her except through the media. But that distance did not lessen the response. Indeed, it could be argued that it was the media itself which reduced the distance between the Princess and the people, so that, for many, it was as though a close relative had died..

In most cases, though, respecting the dead has become almost a formula, a ritual which is expected to be followed. The funeral itself and the gathering afterwards are now considered the norm. Ritual condolences are offered to the grieving family members and then, for those not closely involved, a lessening of gloom as soon as the funeral home is behind them.

Yet respect, if it is to be

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