by Elaine Sihera

Created on: July 24, 2009

Q. Basically, there is a female where my boyfriend works who is after him. She talks to him on msn, xbox live etc. she randomly texts him, she flirts with him but he can't see it. She has walked for 30 mins on her day off just to go into work to speak to him, and has volunteered on her day off to go into work because he would have been on his own. He used to give her lifts so she bought him an air freshener to hang up in his car. Everytime I try to tell him about her, he defends her and says its pushing him to her coz shes 'nice' to him and I'm just being mean.

A. I think you are missing a vital point here in your relationship: it doesn't matter how anyone treats your man. What really matters is how HE reacts, because it takes two to actually conduct an affair. Though this girl is openly flirting with a man who seems to enjoy the attention and doesn't want it to stop, the problem appears to be with you and your suspicions. It could be that there is something missing from the relationship which this girls provides him, so he is reluctant to tell her to stop, while trying to hang on to you. The fact that he is ignoring your feelings and what you are saying about her says it all.

You obviously do not seem to have the trust and faith necessary in a relationship, perhaps through your own feelings of insecurity, perhaps feeling you do not match up to her, or perhaps feeling inadequate in view of her attention. So you are putting up with clearly unacceptable behaviour which only makes you unattractive in the process. No relationship can thrive under mistrust and constant suspicion. Soon it becomes claustrophobic and then someone will not want to be in it anymore. It sounds as though both you and your boyfriend are nearing that point.

You said he used to give her a lift. He has stopped that, but you are still thinking about the present she gave instead of noting that he is no longer giving her a lift. Jealousy is not a good thing. It destroys relationships and you need to let go off that jealousy because love is unconditional. If he wants her there is nothing you can do to stop it. And if he doesn't, yet still accepts her attention, he is obviously enjoying its effect on you, boosting his ego with two women. It is up to you to leave the situation or ignore it, especially if you have talked to him about it already.

He is with YOU, no one else. He chose YOU, and is still with you. Start the process of appreciating him by praising and valuing him more, instead of watching another woman and her antics, then he won't care what she does because he will only have to think of you to get warm vibes. However, if all he has to think of is you going on about her, soon enough he will start seeing her in your light and go to her.

Insecurity and suspicion comes from a lack of self love which leads to fear of losing the love of others. You need to start loving and appreciating yourself more so that it doesn't matter what your boyfriend does,. You'll be strong enough to wish him on his way or to love him on your terms, rather than being continually fearful on his. Start trusting him more if you wish to keep your relationship because no one else matters but the two of you. However, I feel he could be using you both for his own ends perhaps because of his own feelings of inadequacy.

People don't leave a great relationship to go after second best. So, you might need to address what he is missing, or send him on his way to her for your own self-respect and inner contentment. Then you might give yourself the chance to find someone who really values you.

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