by Nancy Canfield

Created on: July 24, 2009

I never had any children of my own. My mother's suggestion, "before you have children, try a dog" turned out to be a valuable lesson in life. We ruled out kids after the third dog. My sister did the baby birthin', and that worked out just fine. She was happy to lend me her kids when I was in the mothering mood, and I could return them with no questions asked. The kids are adults now and, considering my influence on their lives, surprisingly well adjusted.

My nephew has forgiven me for having a friend on the local police force interrogate him, and convince him he was on their watch list. Burying me in his back yard is still up in the air, but I think I'm winning. The oldest has three of her own, and I am honored that she uses me as the double-dog-dare-you of threats when they misbehave. She remembers my ability to terrorize children when the need presents itself. I have my own three word perspective in managing children...threats, lies, and bribery. To my knowledge, there are no emotional scars on my niece or nephew, as I am still living. I'm somewhat concerned about the offspring, however, and at times sleep with one eye open, as my friend suggested.

These three spend entirely too much time challenging me. Their ulterior motives are so obvious, it's comical. The nine year old thinks I'll cave on an issue if he draws me into a debate, which is an interesting approach, but this kid still believes I can see a white line on his tongue when he lies to me. He can recite sports statistics, and knows every "wii" game in existence, but can't figure out the benefits of a shower. If I answer one of the gazillion questions he asks, he says "that isn't what my teacher said". I tell him his teacher isn't taking him to Disney. He ponders this segue and decides his teacher must be mistaken. It has yet to dawn on him that not using the words "eeyew, gross" at dinner would go a long way in successfully negotiating a new Nintendo. I will say he is an expert at persistence, and has come closer to bringing me to my knees in surrender than the other two.

The middle child is partial to revenge being a "dish best served cold". This kid bides her time until you have reached a vulnerable moment. I once banned her from my bathroom, because she left such a mess. A while after that, I needed to get to a store before it closed, and off we flew. When I pulled into the parking lot on two wheels, she sweetly said "You left your wallet on the counter." She has learned to dodge me when,

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