by Jeff Koopersmith

Created on: July 23, 2009   Last Updated: July 24, 2009

As men and women contemplate getting married, or how their marriage is working after some period of time they might wise not to ask whether expectations in marriage change, but how changes in their own lives and personalities could impact their marriage.

While the strings of expectations certainly cross one's mind when considering a first marriage, someone who has been married before tends to downplay those expectations as the experience of the prior marriage teaches one that expectations can often be merely dreams that can quickly turn into nightmares. The older more experienced person knows that expectations can be quite a destructive force in any relationship and in life itself.

I would advise anyone who is considering marriage to try to hold to as few expectations as possible and to realize that every expectation is a kind of trap especially when unmet.

Some examples are the expectation that all women make good mothers, or that all men are natural breadwinners, and that young love will only grow into stronger love as time passes.

The fact is that all women are not good mothers or better said, many women have interests that far exceed their interest in raising children. Often men are the better parent while women are the better breadwinners. In fact young love often based in romance and desire often will grow into a stronger love over the years. Some couples seem able to retain both the romance and respect that comes from lengthy marriages but others find that as the romance dwindles from too many reasons to count including boredom love also may fall aside to be replaced by loyalty or simply easier than living alone.

Your primary consideration should be that we all change over the years and that our expectations, hopes, and dreams also transform or simply disappear. The woman who loved raising her children suddenly takes up a career eager to use her university degree in art history. The man who earned a bundle on Wall Street seems driven to build water wells in Chad. Another man, at age 50 wants the reassurance that he is still virile and attractive to women younger than his wife. The virgin wife is pressed finally to see what it's like with another man.

The potential combinations never cease. The more complex your partner's mind and psyche the more your expectations must be put on a back burner or you might be trapped in a downward spiral of disappointment that no marriage can survive.

Whether you are going into your first marriage or about to try your third remember that everyone changes and significantly over time. Enter your marriage simply loving your spouse and allowing him or her to be whatever it is he or she will be at any point in time.

If some change is just something you cannot abide, then the choice is yours to dissolve the marriage or hang on and wait for the next transformation.

I don't know whether marriage is a natural state and I do not know whether it's best to stick with original choices until death parts you both, or to move on trying to find someone different that fits the new you.

Whichever your personal case, follow my warning and tell your loved one to do the same.

Forget your expectations and instead celebrate each other's development and laugh at your growing pains.

That's what a good married life may be about.

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