by Lori Savery-Hinze

Created on: July 23, 2009

The decision to leave a spouse is one of the most difficult issues a person can face. Til death do we part is a solemn vow, which is not to be broken lightly. However, in certain situations, there are times when staying with a spouse is far more painful and damaging than the loss suffered through separation and divorce.

Unquestionably, if physical or emotional abuse is occurring, separation or divorce is necessary, especially if children are involved. While the abusing spouse may make promises to never hurt the other again or to enter counseling, the risk is too great. Domestic violence occurs in cycles, and those patterns become the norm for both spouses. Children who grow up among domestic violence, either as victims themselves or observing the abuse of a parent, are at a greater risk of anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems. Counseling for children and both spouses recovering from a pattern of domestic abuse is necessary, but the abusing spouse still needs to be removed from the household. While emotional abuse may seem like an issue that can be worked through in marital counseling, too often the spouse who is verbally abusive has the same anger issues and patterns as one who is physically abusive. The abusive spouse requires long-term individual counseling.

Infidelity is another leading cause of divorce. Some couples are able to work through infidelity if it is a one-time incident and the spouse is able to forgive. However, the spouse who has done the cheating needs to understand the hurt that he or she has caused and be willing to do whatever it takes to earn back that trust. If new boundaries can't be respected, with or without marital counseling, it is time to end the marriage.

Financial difficulties, poor communication, addiction, and substance abuse are other reasons sited for divorce. Here is where we have to remind ourselves of the traditional vows, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. Financial difficulties certainly cause a great deal of stress and strain on a marriage, especially if such strain is caused by one spouse's irresponsibility. However, debts can be resolved, and lifestyles can be adapted if both parties are willing. Improving communication is something for which we should all strive. As for issues of addiction and substance abuse, a carefully planned intervention with a medical provider and the support of family should be offered before resorting to a separation or divorce.

Even if all the evidence points to the inevitable end of the marriage, it is natural to be fearful to move forward with that decision. Sometimes, we would rather stay in a miserable situation that we know than move toward what is unknown. Parents often stay in a bad marriage for the sake of their children. If there is a chance that your children can watch you and your spouse resolve your issues, and build a stronger, happier marriage, then staying together is a wise decision and a good role model for your children when they enter into their own relationships someday. However, if months of anger, disrespect, resentment, and mistrust remain, it may be time to decide that a carefully thought out divorce is a better role model than a bad marriage.

Learn more about this author, Lori Savery-Hinze.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.