by James Thornton

Created on: July 22, 2009   Last Updated: July 24, 2009

I am the parent of four children ranging in age from twenty-one to eight. Without doubt, the most challenging phase of parenting is the teen-age years. This is when the child rebels out a desire to be an independent person and distinct from their parents. Peers become more influential in their lives. Additionally, they are changing physically as well with the onset of adolescence.

Connecting with your teen age child can be difficult, but it's not impossible. The number one thing you should remember is you share similar experiences. Chances are you were once a teenager yourself. Understanding your child's perspective is paramount to maintaining a rapport with him or her. Sharing your experiences will help them open up. These years are tough; especially in Middle School. Your child is probably experiencing negative peer pressure. They are struggling to fit in somewhere with a clique. The worse case scenario is they're being told to break a law, experiment with drugs, or have sex. More often they are being pressured to hang with the right crowd, listen to the right type of music, dress in the right kind of clothes, make average grades, or joining in to bully the kids who aren't fitting in. At times they will fail and may be bullied or picked on themselves.

You can connect with your child by helping them through difficult times. Sharing your failures and insecurities and how you dealt with the situation tells them two very important things. The first is that you're not perfect. If they know that you too didn't always fit in or made the wrong choice they will realize that you understand their predicament. One of surefire retorts you're likely to hear from your teenager is that you "don't get it". Tell them about your situation, what choices led you there, what the consequences were, and how you got through it. The second message is that you survived the ordeal and that helps them realize that their rough patch will also pass.

You can also connect with your teenager by becoming more of a kid yourself. This can be a fun time for everyone. Fathers can play pick up basketball or a favorite video game. Mother's can take their daughters shopping or to a day spa. Do things they enjoy. They will want to share their music; awful as it is. Find the common ground. Your teenager's friends should be invited along. The purpose is two fold: you get to meet their friends who are an important part of their life, and you can supervise their activity.

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