by Robin Tidwell

Created on: July 22, 2009   Last Updated: July 24, 2009

Extended family support is very important to successful parenting and, conversely, the lack of that support can be very damaging. Today, few enjoy the benefits of having extended family living nearby, but issues can and do arise.

It used to be that parents had built-in caregivers, as two or more generations lived within the same town or area; it used to be that parents were able to garner on-the-spot advice and assistance with their children - be it for help with discipline, day-to-day activities, feeding schedules, or other parenting problems.

For several decades, as many citizens relocated from their hometowns and emigration throughout the US was rampant, families began to flounder - now, today, with the many types of instant communication available, help is more accessible. Likewise, so is interference.

In some families, there is no help, no advice, only intrusion.

In a strong family, the parents are the authority figures; they make and enforce the rules and provide daily care, the basics of life and living, and love to their children. Grandparents and aunts and uncles supplement this care, whether local or long-distance, and support the parents' decisions regarding rules and discipline.

In some families, grandparents and aunts and uncles do their best to undermine the parent/child relationship, and many do a great deal of damage, some inadvertently, some quite purposefully.

There is a vast difference between a grandparent, for example, allowing a child to drink soda with dinner when a parent only allows milk, and an aunt or uncle telling a child that his parents make bad decisions regarding discipline. There is a more permanent negative impact on a teen whose grandparents insist that he is indeed in control of his own life, and capable of making his own choices, when that teen's parents know otherwise.

Positive support, however, can be gained in-person or electronically: a grandparent can communicate with a child or teen via numerous social-networking sites as well as email, texting, and phone calls. The cost is minimal, mainly that of time spent doing such activities, and a grandparent can be a valuable source of information, advice, and even commiseration.

Issues arise, however when the grandparents are intent on, for whatever reason, undermining the parent/child relationship; often they don't realize, or forget, that they are not the parents of this child or teen. Sometimes, too, they are completely unaware of or oblivious to the real issues in the home and make remarks and comments about things of which they know nothing - and about things which should not be discussed with a child, or even a teen.

Extended family interference can be as damaging as support is beneficial; a child who can go to his grandparents for assistance is a lucky individual - a child who becomes torn between his extended family and his parents and siblings can suffer unnecessarily, both mentally and emotionally.

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