by G. Emma Ryder

Created on: July 21, 2009   Last Updated: July 22, 2009

Listening to her talk in detective's office telling me the events of my own sexual life with my husband for the past 6 years. Completely down to the painful ending that he had been doing and how it hurt and where. Nothing needed to be said accept that I loved her. It was not her fault. She was told that I would not believe her but I did, she sobbed as I hugged her. She was told that it would be her fault if it broke up the family, I told her that was my decision to get him away from us and no one will ever blame her. They kept her in their custody for a few more days giving me time to take action and to examine my response to the situation. It was the weekend before Thanksgiving. I called my step-father. I asked him to meet me at my house to get the children. Nothing else was said. He met me there, he smiled and talked with the children but seeing my face he knew the peril that was possible.

My husband was a security guard and had a gun, he was getting ready for work. I had to take him there. I packed a few things for each of my children and sent them with my step father. Before he left with the children, step father hugged me and told me, he loved me. My mind racing to gain control while waiting for my husband to get ready for work.. I thought of how our lives were in this terrible spiral. My husbands discharge from the military six months short of retirement. Finding out that his heart was effected by agent orange, the burden of keeping the marriage together while he was in such a deep depression. My husband losing one job and then taking another that only offered him a few hours per week. My working a full time job and a part time job believing that I was making the right decision to work and let my husband deal with this depression. My daughter acting out and finding out she was having sex with some boy from school.

He was ready for work. He got into my car. I pulled into the road and went around the corner. At the first, red light I turned and looked at him, I realize that I did not recognize him at all. I opened my mouth and told him what I knew. He did not even try to deny it. He just sat there and wanted to know what I was going to do. I still hear it echo in my mind. What was I going to do? I heard myself say I was moving to my mother's house for a while and sort this out. He took a breath of relief and I knew he was ready to have killed me right there. The car behind me blew and we drove on. In total silence, we sat there. I dropped him off.

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