by Rasheal

Created on: July 20, 2009

Last year had to be the worst year of my life. I found out I was pregnant three months into my marriage. It was unplanned, and my husband was very much against it. He had a break down, withdrew from me in everyway, and cheated on me. My pregnancy was complicated and uncomfortable. My husband, who is in the Air Force, was my only source of support since we are stationed in Nebraska. My family lives in Tennessee, so they could not be here to comfort me. I basically had to face all my problems on my own. I felt sad, alone, miserable from pregnancy related issues, betrayed by my husband, and overall bad for myself.

It has been five months since I delivered my son Justin. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Despite Mike and my issues, he is something I will never regret. My husband and I are seeking counseling this month for the second time. The first time, I had scheduled it a month before Justin was born, but my husband did not take it seriously. How could he since he was cheating on me the time? I have been having a hard time dealing with the past. I say I have forgiven my husband, but I still lash out angrily at him at times. It then occurred to me, I really haven't forgiven him.

I had this epiphany one day when my neighbor came over. She likes to gossip, and she brought up a friend she knows back home. Apparently, this friend cheated on her boyfriend. They have been together three years, and he still punishes her for what she did to him. He makes her miserable, and even though she knows she was wrong, doesn't want to be punished anymore. I agreed, and said that her boyfriend should just leave if he is going to be miserable with her or get over it and be happy.

I realized, I am the same way with my husband. Yes, he definitely did me wrong. He did me very wrong. However, is it fair to either of us for me dwell in the past and punish him daily for something he is sorry he did then? Can I really expect us to be happy and fix things if I remain in the past? I realize now, yes he made a lot of big mistakes, but I don't have to carry them around with me. I need to leave the past in the past.

I was wrong to say that I act mean to him because of what he did. That is weakness on my part. I don't take responsibility for my actions. No, I cannot change the way I feel, but I can control what I do and don't do. Who am I really punishing? Everyone else has moved on. I am the one sitting here in my self pity. Instead of looking back, I need to look forward. Our future still has potential, because we do honestly love each other. I believe he is regretful for what he did, and I think he has learned his lesson. What have I learned?

I learned that I need to remember the important things in life. The important thing is to be happy. I need to stop letting my circumstances dictate if I am happy or not. I also need to stop depending on my husband to determine how I will feel that today. He has his issues to deal with, and so do I. I need to just let go of the things that bother me about him and all his short comings and find peace in myself.

I have often heard of people going through something in their life. That is exactly what I am doing now. However, all this time I wasn't going anywhere. I have decided to go through this ordeal and see what is on the other side; instead of looking at the ruins of the first year of our marriage. I can have a happy future with my husband and son if I will just let go of all the baggage I have been carrying around. I can also learn from what I went through and help others who are having similar issues. So that is my advice, keep your head up, keep moving forward, forgive others, and do not assign the people in your life with the task of making you happy.

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