It is hard to write this without starting to sound like my own father, slipping into a Pythonesque "back when I was a lad" decry of how standards have slipped between generations. Yes, and we lived in a matchbox, starting working at age 6 (in a coal mine) and considered it Christmas if we were given something to eat that didn't have dirt in it.
But seriously, we've all seen the photographs of the early decades of the 20th century when it was fashionable to walk around in suit and tie. Men used to open the door for their womenfolk, seat them at the table and everyone said "please" and "thank you" and were generally courteous. Perhaps everyone was simply grateful to be alive after the rampages of a couple of World Wars and felt that a bit of decency and common courtesy was a better way of getting along in the world. If so, I hope not, because I like to think that I am well mannered and would prefer not to have the reminder of a World War to ram the message home.
The movie theatre in those days was one of the two big social outings (the other was church). The Saturday matinee was a dress-up event and sessions were packed. It was a big deal and, societal conventions aside, there was a fair chance that you were going to see a movie with your parents or a close relative. Children were raised very much in the "should be seen and not heard" mode of parenting and wouldn't dream of misbehaving. If you did, a parent or relative would be on hand to give you swift clip over the ear and, if they weren't there, an usher was on hand to deliver a suitable punishment by proxy. More often than not, a small misdemeanour would see you evicted from the theatre. This was back in the days when the usher tended to be an adult and controlled the theatre like it was their personal fiefdom, as if they were paid on the basis of the number of people they reprimanded or booted from the theatre.
Fast forward a few decades (or more) and the lustre of the cinema or theatre has very much faded. The movie theatre is competing with television where trigger happy viewers can push a button to wander through hundreds of channels that cater for almost every kind of taste, video games of every genre and description, and home theatre systems give you much the same kind of experience in the comfort of your own home. You can pause the movie to go to the bathroom or make a cup of coffee. We are overwhelmed by choice in what I believe is the instant gratification generation. Children are not content to just sit still and accept what they are given. If they don't like it, or become bored, they'll just look for something else to amuse them.
In the movie theatre, that something else often involves disrupting other patrons. This isn't helped by a society that mostly lives in fear of disciplining children. Scolding a child or, God forbid, smacking them in public is a criminal offence in many areas. "Back when I was a lad", it was open slather and expected. Whack a child for misbehaving and it was both accepted and praised, to the extent where you would often get a pat on the back for keeping your children in line. Do that now and that pat on the back is more likely to be from a burly fellow dressed in blue, accompanied by the chink of some handcuffs and an embarrassing ride in the back of a police wagon. Children know that being out in public essentially gives them free reign to create mischief and, for those willing to block out the implied threat of a future get square at home time, the results for other theatre patrons can be very annoying and frustrating.
The movie theatre has, to a certain extent, become a defacto child minding centre. Parents accompanying their little treasures are very much the exception than the rule. The theatre usher is an almost mythical creature. You think you've seen a glimpse of them in the movie and, by the time you've turned to look at them, they've disappeared. Much like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot. Unfortunately, they don't leave footprints that you could later cast in plaster to prove that they had even been there and you'd do well to get as much as a grainy photograph of one (if you are able to take your camera into the theatre). Judging by the state of many theatre chairs and floors, ushers are not the only theatre staff who move more in the realm of the imaginary than the real world. Without the constant supervision of a parent, relative or theatre staff, children (and adults for that matter) devolve to a level of etiquette that is perhaps at best a step or two above total anarchy.
Over the past year, my wife and I have been subjected to all the usual annoyances marking this decline in movie theatre etiquette:
1 - Blinded by the light
That cheery glow of the cell phone (called mobiles here in Australia) are very handy for taking a call in the dark. It can get a little distracting for other theatre patrons if many people are taking calls during the session or, worse still, having text conversations. This could be a by product of the instant gratification age, with people overwhelmed by their imagined importance that they need to be instantly contactable by anyone and everyone. People should learn to mellow, enjoy the time away from their beloved cell phones and enjoy the movie that they've paid good money to see. The call isn't that important. Besides, there is a large sign out the front of the theatre asking you to respect other patrons and to turn them off.
To deal with cell phone users, the more confident theatre patron can go over and politely ask them to turn their phone off. This can go one of two ways - (1) they apologise for being a nuisance and turn it off, or (2) they go to the opposite end of the spectrum and tell you in no certain terms what they think of your polite request. Things can then get ugly, in which case you can either rise to the challenge and teach them a thing or two in respect (as getting into a brawl is a fairly major breach of etiquette and other theatre goers will be either appalled by your behaviour or spurring you on), snatch the offending piece of technology from their grasp and deposit it in the waste receptacle, or go out and get the usher. This is also the approach for the more timid patron. Even though they won't to deal with it, being a potential conflict situation, they will have to.
2 - Mind the feet
Wherever possible, avoid sitting in front of a long legged person. Unless of course you enjoy being given whiplash by having your seat kicked every few minutes. Mischievous people and kids like nothing better than swinging their legs and kicking the seat in front of them. It could be the muffled drumming sound or the reaction from the people sitting in those seats, but either way it is guaranteed to be very annoying and will certainly ruin your enjoyment of a movie. More subtle variations of this theme involve people poking their feet through the gap in the seats where the armrest is, resting their feet on top of the back of your chair or sitting cross legged in an adjacent seat in such a way that their feet rest on your armrest. And all of these variations can be with or without shoes or socks. This always gives me an 'Apocalypse Now' moment: "I love the smell of tinea in the morning".
You can be quite imaginative with these offenders. If you are female, or in the company of one, a standard item in their purse is a nail file. One end will usually be curled of have a point. Naturally, you should go the diplomatic route first and ask them politely if they wouldn't mind moving their feet. In my view, failure to comply with such a reasonable request is permission to give their feet a little prod with a pointy instrument. I'm not talking about stabbing them, as that kind of assault might put you in the kind of place where 'Deliverance' is considered a love story, rather just a gentle poke. This only works with bare feet as shoes tend to ignore this kind of subtlety - accidentally spilling a hot beverage works well for these ones. Or you could just move. But where is the fun in that?
3 - The narrator
Narration can be used to wonderful effect in movies. One of my favourite movies is 'The Shawshank Redemption' and if my life is ever made into a movie, I want Morgan Freeman to do the narration. Mr Freeman has no peer (see also 'Feast of Love' and 'The Bucket List') when it comes to this theatrical device. But that is a far cry from the annoyance of having someone talk during a movie. The odd word is fair enough, but entire conversations with raised voices is verboten. Like to cell phone, if they decline to cease this annoying activity when you've politely requested them to do so, go and get the usher. They will generally give them a warning and second offence should see them evicted from the theatre.
If you decide to take matters into your own hands though, the action should reflect the age and size of the offender. A baleful glare, something I like to call the "look of death" and a shush should be enough to give children the hint. It may also work for teenagers, though you may need to do this several times, maybe throwing in a verbal request as well and/or a threat to get the usher in. With adults, this strategy can be a bit hit and miss. If this doesn't work, some kind of witty rebuke can be quite satisfying, as will a simple "Do you mind?" or "Would you mind STFU?" (the S, T and U stand for 'shutting', 'the' and 'up', in case you are wondering). Whatever you do, you don't want to allow the talking to continue through the movie. Some people can switch off and ignore it completely. Most will, once they hear people speaking, be unable to hear anything else as the talking will overwhelm anything that is on the screen and letting it go on will completely ruin your experience.
4 - The rustler
A variation of the narrator, where the noise is coming from an inanimate object. A rustling chip or other packet or packaging can be irritating, though thankfully this generally tends to be fairly short lived. Once the food is gone, so is the rustling, and this creature can be largely ignored. If the packet is a large one and the offender is eating slowly, you may want to be proactive in dealing with the issue. the diplomatic route can work, however you need to remember that this person has brought the food in with them for the purpose of consuming it. At some stage they are going to be tempted to sneak their hand back into that packet and one of two things can happen: (1) they try and do it quietly, meaning that their will be low level rustling but over a longer period, or (2) the rustling will resume as before and they will be waiting for you to say something.
Here is where the element of surprise can work in your favour. Assuming they are close by, instead of saying something again, reach out and grab the packet, grasp it firmly with one hand to seal the opening and whack it with the other hand. The satisfying pop will annoy or startle other cinema patrons, but their annoyance will be short-lived as the packet will be broken and the contents will be scattered on to less noisy surfaces (namely the floor or theatre seats). Make sure you keep the empty packet as you don't want them to rustle 'for effect'. You may also want to move to another part of the theatre. If you do, the show you've put on should be enough to deter any potentially noisy people from doing anything other than breathing.
In summary, the decline is movie theatre etiquette is a combination of the decline in manners in society generally and the steady demise of the movie theatre as either a social gathering place or form of entertainment. Many people in our instant gratification age, within an already stressful and time poor environment, find it difficult to accept their entertainment in anything larger than bite-sized chunks. Sitting still and quietly for a 2-3 hour movie is therefore well beyond their ability. Hopefully the strategies outlined above will help you to deal with the more commonly occurring annoyances and help to make your movie theatre experience the enjoyable and relaxing one that you've paid for.