by Stanley W. Shura

Created on: July 19, 2009   Last Updated: April 23, 2010

I do not merely feel like an outsider. I am an outsider. Well, to put it more literally, and alas, ironically, I am an "insider". This makes me rather different than the "top of the bell-curve" norm, as most people, in the context of their social interactions, are focused outwardly - that is toward their social group - with regards to their motivation and the intended effect of their actions. They are insiders, because they intuitively pay attention to the outside world. I feel like and am an "outsider" because my focus and motives are directed and driven *inwardly*.

I am an oxymoron.

Yes, that is a bit of a playful twist on the words, but it is not gratuitously cute. It does in fact point to the general rule that in order to function in such a way as to be accepted by most social and societal groups, one must have at least part of their attention or motivation driven by said external influences. Either that, or they have to have something others want - like fame, fortune, or a flamin' hot bod! Something - SOMETHING about a person has to exude magnetism and charm (or elicit envy!) for his peer group to pay attention and invite him in.

Obviously this is a gross generality, but it does speak to a truth that, even if not preached by Mrs. Cookiesmile in kindergarten, is nonetheless a harsh reality a lot of the time. This chasm between the real and the ideal is one of the things that confounds your "outsider". It is the discrepency *between* the lines that no one ever bothers to define explicitly, which, ironically, is because for most, the unwritten rules, or even their very existence, is something MOST people - that is, the "insiders" - don't have to have explained to them. It's the "secret handshake" that is made so secret, and so "special" by its virtual exclusivity.

This is exactly how it seems to your unwitting and unwilling outsider.

It needs to be stated at this time that we're speaking of getting along in the pragmatic sense with one's peer group and community. It should in no way be misconstrued to imply that such rather shallow outward focus is any way to achieve and enjoy the special intimacy and honesty that is the basis of any true friendship or relationship. For this, one must abandon this surface-level gamesmanship - or what others have often labelled "social skills". True love and respect transcend our facility with all such things political, manipulative, coy or ulterior. The phrase "unconditional love" was not coined, nor is it possessed of its power and clarity because it is some trite or aphoristic sentiment. Such a thing is not supposed to be an empty promise, and must usurp the inherent emptiness of many interpersonal mores.

It is no small or unbitter irony, indeed, that the very thing that so fundamentally defines one so tempered and comported, this hyper-sensitive and self-critical introvertedness, is what can cause the greatest difficulty negotiating and interpretting the "unwritten rules" of "normal" or "neuro-typical" society., even to the point of actual material, spiritual and legal consequences, and thus bring on a pain so intense, and a suffering often buried in the silence of politeness or fear, as to drive said introvert ever more inward, and thus toward being even more of an outsider.

What a catch-22! Surely, we humans, being at least partially comprised of some very intelligent and empathetic people, ought to be able to figure out a way to crack this shell without destroying the innocence and love it tries to protect.

I am forever hopeful that he answer is out there somewhere. But, for now anyway, and with just a little bit of sadness, I shall continue looking within.

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