by Rupert Flagg

Created on: July 19, 2009

The text read, "Morning Beautiful!" I stared at it, wondering if he'd truly meant that for me. It did occur to me that he could have been in a hurry and while thinking about how to get rid of me, he'd accidently texted me instead of the beautiful woman he'd intended to text.

I didn't reply readily, so he resent it. I stared at his name, wondering why I hadn't changed it to something that defined our relationship. The ringing of the phone startled me, again his name.

I tried to answer it quickly and cheerfully, but the sound in his voice told me he was growing weary of having to convince me , every moment of the relationship that I am who he wants.

self - esteem = a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

I do not have this, even though I am surrounded by people who esteem me highly and often. My female friends have proven time and time again that I am valued.
I am aware though that this mindset of mine can and has ruined many a relationship simply because they grew tired of trying to convince me that I mattered. I believe I am often late or tardy to appointments because I haven't yet grasped the truth that my portion is needed.

The low self esteem I harbor does not come from a bad childhood, nor does it stem from bad marriages. It comes from me comparing myself to others around me.
Television played a huge part in that. It is my belief that men want what they see in magazines and on television, so my mantra of wanting to put the "v" in voluptuous is all smoke and mirrors.
My portion of this has been addressed by companies like Dove, who have taken the step to add everyday women to their lineup of super models, in an attempt to curb the flow of little girls grabbing onto the rusted iron ring that is low self-esteem, the gateway to bulimia or anorexia and cutting.

The idea that low self esteem can harm relationships has been addressed on television shows like Half & Half where the eldest sister lost her boyfriend because he was tired of trying to convince her of how beautiful she was in his eyes.

Funny, but as I write this I can see the ridiculousness of my self imposed plight. I am realizing that I do not see myself clearly. I look at old pictures and see a very pretty girl, excellent body shape. She is someone I want to look like and then I realize that she is me. Oddly, I thought myself fat and ugly back then. Truthfully, I am wearing a smaller size now than I was wearing in the pictures.
I believe that it is this woman my sweetie sees when he looks at me. It is this young woman in the pictures that I want to be. It will take determination and a sense of self worth to rid myself of this mindset.
I think I'll begin to take what my friends say about me to heart.

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