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As I awoke that fateful day, it seemed that even nature knew what was in store for me. The sky was an overcast gray that stretched to the horizon in every direction as even the sun refused to show itself. When I entered the courtyard, it seemed empty regardless of the many people there. Their voices faded into the background and their movements seemed slow. Despite their presence, I was alone. On the other side of that wall was everything I ever wanted. And today it would be decided: would I ever again live life on the other side? Would I ever again kiss my wife, brush my daughter's hair, or hear my son's voice?

I'd had everything I'd ever wanted. And I'd thrown it all away for the sake of a little fun. And now because of one bad choice, because of one stupid mistake, I could lose it all forever. I hadn't meant to kill her. All I wanted was the purse! If she would have just given me her money, I wouldn't have had to hurt her. But she wouldn't. She started screaming, and wouldn't stop. The knife was right there in my pocket. She should've just given me her purse. Couldn't she see I wasn't right? Couldn't she tell I was too high to know better? When she started screaming, I was afraid. I was afraid someone would call the cops, afraid they'd come pick me up and throw me in jail. Then there was the blood... so much blood. I had to get out of there. But first I needed the money.

I should've known better than to go home that night. I never wanted them to know. But she was waiting up for me. There were two policemen with her, and she was crying. She'd found out about the drugs a week earlier - it was just my dumb luck that she'd decided to call the police that night. One night earlier, and I could've just gone to rehab and come home in a few months. But now I was wearing the evidence that would sentence me for life - or to death.

And now as I stood in the courtyard, the memories came flooding back. That was ten years ago. My little girl was two, and my son hadn't even been born yet. Now she was twelve and his tenth birthday was just two months away. I'd missed half their childhood. His first steps, his first words, their first days of school. I never got to teach them to sing the alphabet or count to 100, or tie their shoes or ride a bike. Soon Emma would be dating, and if things didn't go right today, I would miss that, too. If things didn't go right today, I would miss everything in their lives. I would miss Emma's first boyfriend and Ethan's first girlfriend, teaching them to drive, their graduation, their wedding days, and their first steps into parenthood. No, I couldn't miss all that. I wouldn't miss all that.

The courtyard was busy as usual. No one seemed to notice as I made my way casually over toward the fence. As I got closer, I picked up my pace. There was no yelling from the guards, no sirens blasting off. I felt my feet leave the ground, and that was when I heard the first shout. But it was too late; I could feel the barbed wire brush against my finger tips. Could it really be this easy? All I had to do was grab on and pull myself up and out, and I was as good as free. Then we would leave the country and start over, somewhere where no one knew my name. We would start a new life, and things would be different this time. Better.

I felt my hope shatter in an instant. The bullet tore into me and I felt the wire slip from my grip, taking with it my hope. As the world passed by me in a haze and finally faded into darkness, I couldn't help but wonder: was it worth it?

Learn more about this author, M. Morrison.
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